in the Synagogue:


A man went to his Rabbi, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have  to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What is wrong?"

The man informed, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, replied, "Surely not!"

Pleading, the man asserted,  "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me! What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offered, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
 
A week later the Rabbi called the man, saying, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone -- for three hours! You want my advice?"

The man replied, "Yes."

The Rabbi advised, "Take the poison."

in the Church:

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,  "When you're in your casket and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to  say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man." 
   
Eugene commented,  "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Carl replied, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"