My Dad sent these to me, and I thought I'd share'em.


1)   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than  standing in a garage makes you a car.

2)   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the  list.
 
3)   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear  bright until you hear them speak.
 
4)    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
5)    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6)    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
7)    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting  it in a fruit salad.
 
8)    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the  cheese.
 
9)    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then  proceed to tell you why it isn't.

10)    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many  is research.

11)    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a  train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

12)    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it  takes a whole box to start a campfire?

13)    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they  can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them  fish. 

14)   I  thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
 
15)    A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that  you don't need it.
 
16)    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an  emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

17)    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

18)    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion  stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

19)    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the  street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are  sexy.
 
20)    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president  and 50 for Miss America ?

21)    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a  successful man is usually another woman.
 
22)    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

23)    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good  ideas!

24)    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it  back.
 
25)    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a  way that you will look forward to the trip.

27)    Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

28)    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to  live with.
 
29)    I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be  devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my  foot.

30)    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they  go.
 
31)    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 
32)    I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon,  and a shot of tequila.
 
33)    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire  Department usually uses water.

34)    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

35)    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever  you hit "the target".

36)   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
37)    Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have  no imagination whatsoever.

38)    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it  as when you are in it.
 
39)    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.