-Based on all the swastikas carved into bathroom stalls, NAZIs must be the most constipated people on earth.

-Digestively speaking, isn't every fast food joint technically an In-N-Out Burger?

-Hungry Hungry Hippos? Of course they're hungry. It's Africa.

-"I come bearing .gifs." -The Internet

-If the Millenium Falcon is traveling at lightspeed and the Starship Enterprise is traveling at warp speed in the complete opposite direction, how long before I finally find out what a boob feels like?

-My brother is crazy. Crazy like a fox! Yesterday I saw him eating a possum on the side of the road

-I always used to punch any kid that said Mario was cooler than Sonic, then they took away my substitute teaching license.

-All Alcoholics are Anonymous. After that many drinks, I can't remember my name either.

-Drink, drank, drunk. Not a grammar lesson. A progression.

-I got a DUI, but in my defense I had no idea I was driving.

-If it ain't broke, then you need to fix your grammar

-If money can't buy happiness, shouldn't pizza, pot & sex be free?

-A true optimist would think the glass is half awesome.

-I walked in on my parents having sex, You should see my face on the video tape

-In school, I gave 110%. No wonder I failed math.

"-I walked in on my parents having sex, You should see my face on the video tape"


This actually happened to my step son.. Poor kid, 

"-If the Millenium Falcon is traveling at lightspeed and the Starship Enterprise is traveling at warp speed in the complete opposite direction, how long before I finally find out what a boob feels like?"