Something old and something new....

*Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
*Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
*Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
*Do pilots take crash-courses?
*Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
*Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
*Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
*Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
*Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
*If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor and why do bars have parking lots?
*Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
*Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
*How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
*Why is the word abbreviation so long?
*How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
*Since Americans throw rice at weddings do Orientals throw hamburgers?
*Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
*Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
*Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
*Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
*If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
*If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
*If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
*I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*What would we have called the color orange if it weren't a fruit?
*After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
*If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
*Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
*Is there another word for synonym?
*Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
*Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
*If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
*A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
*Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
*For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
*No one is listening until you make a mistake

Quote:


Man, all these sound like the military....

Good ones Mark!