Simviation Forum - Open Mouth- Insert Foot

Reply #15 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 3:19pm

Jared Offline
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LOL, now that's a good one there buddy..

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Reply #16 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 3:22pm

Fozzer Offline
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Hereford. England. EGBS.

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..."Jump Leads"....?

..sounds like an exciting alternative to messing about trying to start the car... Wink

...

...!

Cheers Doug...!

Paul.

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Reply #17 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 3:26pm

Hagar Offline
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Quote:

..."Jump Leads"....?

..sounds like an exciting alternative to messing about trying to start the car... Wink

...

...!

Cheers Doug...!

Paul.

LOL

That occurred to me afterwards. I should have made a joke about it but I really wasn't in the mood at the time. Missed a great opportunity there. Story of my life. Never mind. Roll Eyes

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Reply #18 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 3:49pm

Romulus111VADT Offline
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Quote:

LOL

This reminds of a young lady at work (whom I don't mind admitting I had a soft spot for at the time). 8) Anyways, one night after work she was having problems starting her car (an old Mini) so old Muggins offered to have a look at if for her. I always was a sucker for a pretty face. Roll Eyes

After about 15 minutes of quietly cursing myself for being an idiot I still couldn't figure it out. It was getting colder & darker by the minute. In despair I said. "Try it now" but still no go. Angry

The battery was healthy & churning the old starter motor over like a good'un. Trying to be helpful she got out of the car & said: "I have some jump leads if that's any use". My reply is unrepeatable here. Grin

When I left the service I took some vocational training in automotive mechanics. An elderly gentleman ran the "tool room" and would watch the goings on very intently. Well, one little fellow was working on a high energy ignition on a Cadillac (not me). He thought it a real nuisance to use fender covers. Well as he was checking the coil he asked his partner to turn it over a bit. Well, this guy started to hoot and holler like a mad man. After the partner stopped cranking the car the poor sob dropped to the floor holding himself between the legs. Apparently the spark (as with all electrical current) went to the nearest and shortest ground....the guy's penis. So he had a 20,000 volt ignition spark jumping off his penis to the fender (Ah, so that's what fender pads are for, DAH!). As he hit the floor, the old fellow in the tool room looked out with great amusement and said, "Well, you just learned a valuable lesson that will be useful in your old age. You can't jump start your pecker!"

Grin

"I have a place where dreams are born, And time is never planned. It’s not on any chart, You must find it with your heart."

Albert Einstein - "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

Martin Luther King Jr. - “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - “There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.”

Mark Twain - “Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

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Reply #19 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 4:03pm

Romulus111VADT Offline
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The best female, "open mouth- insert foot" I've seen was in a Sears Department store. I lived in Florida at the time and was visiting a friend that ran the sporting goods section of the store. As we talked an extremely cute little blonde came bebopping up wearing a t-shirt that was covering her bikini. My friend excused himself to wait on her. I was close enough to easily over hear the conversation. She said that she'd come in to buy her boy friend a jock. My friend asked what size he was. The girl w/o flinching says, "Oh, I guess he's about 8" or so". My friend exerted super human control as he looked at her and said, "No, ma'am, what's his waist size?" I was biting my lip and trying not to further embarrass the poor girl. Her red face was quite striking with the blonde hair and white t-shirt. After she made her purchase and bolted out of the store at mach speeds. My friend was literally laying on the floor behind the counter, laughing hysterically. I was supporting my self on the sales counter laughing my butt off.

Grin

"I have a place where dreams are born, And time is never planned. It’s not on any chart, You must find it with your heart."

Albert Einstein - "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

Martin Luther King Jr. - “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - “There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.”

Mark Twain - “Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

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Reply #20 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 5:30pm

terbert Offline
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The greatest multiplayer
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South Bucks, UK

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I am a decorator by trade and I remember a couple of years ago doing an estimate where the little old lady told me what she really wanted was a nice dildo. What she meant was a Dado rail round the lounge.!!!! Grin

Oh yeah, and tonight the wife told me she would like one of those George Formby grilles Grin

" I'm leaning on a lamp-post at the corner of the street until a lovely little Burger goes by" Grin

UK readers will see the joke, sorry others

Tony

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Reply #21 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 5:38pm

Woodlouse2002 Offline
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I like jam.
Cornwall, England

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Quote:

Oh yeah, and tonight the wife told me she would like one of those George Formby grilles Grin

" I'm leaning on a lamp-post at the corner of the street until a lovely little Burger goes by" Grin

UK readers will see the joke, sorry others

Tony

Complete with banjo? Grin

Another classic from one of my friends goes as follows...
"I can tell these things. It's like some sort of fourth sense."

Woodlouse2002 PITA and BAR!!!!!!!!&&&&Our Sovereign Lord the King chargeth and commandeth all persons, being assembled, immediately to disperse themselves, and peaceably to depart to their habitations, or to their lawful business, upon the pains contained in the Act made in the first year of King George the First for preventing tumults and riotous assemblies. God Save the King.&&&&Viva la revolution!

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Reply #22 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 6:19pm

Hagar Offline
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Costa Geriatrica

Posts: 33159

Quote:

the little old lady told me what she really wanted was a nice dildo. What she meant was a Dado rail round the lounge.!!!! Grin

Oh yeah, and tonight the wife told me she would like one of those George Formby grilles Grin

There's a name for this. It escapes me now. One of the old music hall comics made a career out of it. Her name escapes me too but Fozzer might remember. It's late & I'm tired.* Roll Eyes

Another girl in the sales office at work was the protoype dumb blonde. Stunningly beautiful but nothing between the ears. Thick as the proverbial two short planks. We used to call her Dotty Dulcie. One day a customer quite innocently enquired about a Janitrol heater. Dotty told him to hold on & asked in a loud voice: "Do we sell genital heaters?" I don't think she ever figured out why everyone in the office fell off their chairs in hysterics. Cheesy

On another occasion our Dotty blushed red as a beetroot & abruptly told a customer she thought he had the wrong number before slamming the phone down. It turned out that he had asked for a vibrator. This was the ignition unit used on the aforesaid Janitrol heaters. Good job the customer had a sense of humour. LOL Cheesy

*PS. It just came to me. Grin

Spoonerisms. 8)

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Reply #23 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 6:30pm

Romulus111VADT Offline
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Quote:

There's a name for this. It escapes me now. One of the old music hall comics made a career out of it. Her name escapes me too but Fozzer might remember. It's late & I'm tired. Roll Eyes

Another girl in the sales office at work was the protoype dumb blonde. Stunningly beautiful but nothing between the ears. Thick as the proverbial two short planks. We used to call her Dotty Dulcie. One day a customer quite innocently enquired about a Janitrol heater. Dotty told him to hold on & asked in a loud voice: "Do we sell genital heaters?" I don't think she ever figured out why everyone in the office fell off their chairs in hysterics. Cheesy

On another occasion our Dotty blushed red as a beetroot & abruptly told a customer she thought he had the wrong number before slamming the phone down. It turned out that he had asked for a vibrator. This was the ignition unit used on the aforesaid Janitrol heaters. Good job the customer had a sense of humour. LOL Cheesy

That reminds me of when I was an industrial purchasing agent. We used allot of hydraulic cylinders and when ordering them you order by the length of the rod and the stoke of the rod. I was on the phone talking to the manufacturer's sales department. It was rather difficult to order these parts from a woman. This one woman misunderstood what I'd said and I said, "The rod I have has a 12 inch stroke." She responded, "Well, darling, if it does, I want to meet you!" This was one of the few times in my life that I was embarrassed by something I said.

Grin

"I have a place where dreams are born, And time is never planned. It’s not on any chart, You must find it with your heart."

Albert Einstein - "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

Martin Luther King Jr. - “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - “There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.”

Mark Twain - “Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

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Reply #24 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 6:32pm

terbert Offline
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The greatest multiplayer
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South Bucks, UK

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Doug, do you mean a name for someone who gets things back to front kind of thing.
My wife is a classic. We had a dinner party last Saturday and she told our friends she is always bending over forwards for me. I tell you, I did not know what to say. She says it so flippin inocently. I have to admit that when we go out I shrink when she starts gabbling on Roll Eyes

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Reply #25 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 6:37pm

Hagar Offline
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My Spitfire Girl
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Quote:

Doug, do you mean a name for someone who gets things back to front kind of thing.
My wife is a classic. We had a dinner party last Saturday and she told our friends she is always bending over forwards for me. I tell you, I did not know what to say. She says it so flippin inocently. I have to admit that when we go out I shrink when she starts gabbling on Roll Eyes

Yes Tony. Just like that. Grin

I remembered the name I was trying to think of. They call them Spoonerisms. My dear departed mother-in-law (bless her heart) was an expert Spoonerist. Wink

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Reply #26 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 6:44pm

terbert Offline
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The greatest multiplayer
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Yes Doug, thats it...Spoonerisms.

Don't you just love it though when someone picks up your cockup and carries on with it in the same manner.

Er...that doesn't sound quite right, but you know what I mean...its the bottle of Shiraz I am sampling

Tony

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Reply #27 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 6:46pm

Woodlouse2002 Offline
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Yes Tony. Just like that. Grin

I remembered the name I was trying to think of. They call them Spoonerisms. My dear departed mother-in-law (bless her heart) was an expert Spoonerist. Wink

I thought they were malapropisms. Either way, they're usually funny. I found a book of them once and one of the best lines in it was "the high point in Eugine Levys career was when he won the Pullet Surprise." (Pulitzer prize.)

Woodlouse2002 PITA and BAR!!!!!!!!&&&&Our Sovereign Lord the King chargeth and commandeth all persons, being assembled, immediately to disperse themselves, and peaceably to depart to their habitations, or to their lawful business, upon the pains contained in the Act made in the first year of King George the First for preventing tumults and riotous assemblies. God Save the King.&&&&Viva la revolution!

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Reply #28 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 6:55pm

Hagar Offline
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Quote:

I thought they were malapropisms. Either way, they're usually funny. I found a book of them once and one of the best lines in it was "the high point in Eugine Levys career was when he won the Pullet Surprise." (Pulitzer prize.)

You could be right there Woody. It's way past my bedtime. I'll look all this up tomorrow.

Silly me. Roll Eyes

It's tomorrow now. Well, I know what I mean. Grin

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Reply #29 - Jan 22^nd, 2005 at 6:58pm

Woodlouse2002 Offline
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I like jam.
Cornwall, England

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Who knows. But i've thought of another one from the book...

"The equator is a menagerie lion running round the earth."

Woodlouse2002 PITA and BAR!!!!!!!!&&&&Our Sovereign Lord the King chargeth and commandeth all persons, being assembled, immediately to disperse themselves, and peaceably to depart to their habitations, or to their lawful business, upon the pains contained in the Act made in the first year of King George the First for preventing tumults and riotous assemblies. God Save the King.&&&&Viva la revolution!

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