I'm sure that some of these have been posted before, but don't have the time to backtrack all of the way...


1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

6, "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."



7, An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.


8, Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


9, Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this
bullshit before.


10, A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up
the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm
going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."


11, Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are
Chinese. So, since there are 5 people in my family, one of them must be
Chinese. It's either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin or my
younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.


12, I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.


13, I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and
pulled a mussel.


14. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but
when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank. This proves once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


15, A man walks into a doctor's office. "What seems to
be the problem?"
'I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."


16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.


17. A drunk walks into a bar.
"Ouch!" he says