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Tommy Cooper (RIP) (Read 452 times)
Apr 6th, 2003 at 3:51pm

ozzy72   Offline
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Tommy Cooperisms..........to brighten up the day.

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only  Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
 

...
There are two types of aeroplane, Spitfires and everything else that wishes it was a Spitfire!
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Reply #1 - Apr 6th, 2003 at 4:17pm

Iroquois   Offline
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lol, good ones.
I think Tommy Cooper was on the Just For Laughs Comedy fest in Montreal a while ago.
 

I only pretend to know what I'm talking about. Heck, that's what lawyers, car mechanics, and IT professionals do everyday. Wink&&The Rig: &&AMD Athlon XP2000+ Palomino, ECS K7S5A 3.1, 1GB PC2700 DDR, Geforce FX5200 128mb, SB Live Platinum, 16xDVD, 16x10x40x CDRW, 40/60gb 7200rpm HDD, 325w Power, Windows XP Home SP1, Directx 9.0c with 66.81 Beta gfx drivers
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Reply #2 - Apr 6th, 2003 at 4:32pm

BFMF   Offline
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Who is Tommy Cooper?
 
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Reply #3 - Apr 6th, 2003 at 6:23pm

ozzy72   Offline
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The late Tommy Cooper was a famous English comedian who died in 1984 at the end of a performance of the Royal Variety Show, as he walked off stage he suffered a heart attack. People thought it was part of the show until his body was dragged off.
He was a great comic, and upset a lot of magicians, by revealing their tricks in a somewhat crass but brilliant manner.

Ozzy
 

...
There are two types of aeroplane, Spitfires and everything else that wishes it was a Spitfire!
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Reply #4 - Apr 7th, 2003 at 12:43pm

Woodlouse2002   Offline
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Good ones. Grin
 

Woodlouse2002 PITA and BAR!!!!!!!!&&&&Our Sovereign Lord the King chargeth and commandeth all persons, being assembled, immediately to disperse themselves, and peaceably to depart to their habitations, or to their lawful business, upon the pains contained in the Act made in the first year of King George the First for preventing tumults and riotous assemblies. God Save the King.&&&&Viva la revolution!
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Reply #5 - Apr 7th, 2003 at 12:56pm

Hagar   Offline
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Quote:
The late Tommy Cooper was a famous English comedian who died in 1984 at the end of a performance of the Royal Variety Show, as he walked off stage he suffered a heart attack. People thought it was part of the show until his body was dragged off.
He was a great comic, and upset a lot of magicians, by revealing their tricks in a somewhat crass but brilliant manner.

Ozzy

Wow...! I can't believe Tommy died so long ago. How time flies.  Roll Eyes

He was a respected member of the Magic Circle & was actually a very accomplished magician. I don't think he gave any secrets away. He would made it look like he messed the tricks up & then do something outrageous & completely mystifying. His comedy timing was immaculate. They don't make 'em like that any more.

PS. I just found some more wonderful Cooperisms. Pure magic. Wink
http://www.weirdity.com/oneliners/cooper1.shtml
 

...

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Reply #6 - Apr 7th, 2003 at 1:18pm

Tequila Sunrise   Offline
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love the Irish one Grin
 

If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Thou shalt maintain thine airspeed lest the ground shalt rise up and smite thee
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Reply #7 - Apr 7th, 2003 at 1:32pm

Hagar   Offline
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This is my favourite.  Cheesy

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.
 

...

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Member of the Fox Four Group

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