Simviation Forum

Mar 19^th, 2011 at 8:47am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

Tell your corniest jokes here. I'll begin:

What did the rocket scientist say when he came home and found his dog had left a deposit somewhere besides on the paper?

ICBM!

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #1 - Mar 19^th, 2011 at 8:53am

TacitBlue Offline
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That's right, I have my
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Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

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I met an elephant from Tuscaloosa. Know how I knew where he was from? Because he had a tusk-a loose-a!

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #2 - Mar 19^th, 2011 at 9:52am

Groundbound1 Offline
Colonel
No, I don't work for Mythbusters...
Michigan, USA

Gender:
Posts: 1745

Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy used to door.

Specs: Asus Crosshair nForce 590 SLI,
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Reply #3 - Mar 19^th, 2011 at 12:44pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

You're riding a horse full speed.. there's a giraffe beside you.. and you're being chased by a lion .. what do you do ..

get your drunk &ss off the carousel ..

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #4 - Mar 19^th, 2011 at 7:47pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

Last year I was on a plane sitting next to a monk and a salesman. It inspired me to think of this joke:

A mechanic, a monk and a salesman are on a plane. The plane loses all engines and it's going down, so they have to jump, but there are only two parachutes. The salesman announces "I have to get to an important meeting!" so he grabs one of the parachutes and jumps out. After that, the monk looks at the mechanic and says "I've lived a full life, a life devoted to God and I know that he has a place for me. You take the last parachute son". The mechanic replied, "no father, we can both go. That salesman just jumped out with my tool bag"

Yes, it's an adaptation of an old one, but it's still corny. Wink

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #5 - Mar 19^th, 2011 at 11:49pm

U4EA Ex Member

Last year I was wondering why I fell asleep on Good Friday and didn't wake until the following Tuesday.

Eventually figured out that someone slipped me an Ether Bunny!

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Reply #6 - Mar 20^th, 2011 at 8:14am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

U4EA wrote on Mar 19^th, 2011 at 11:49pm:

Last year I was wondering why I fell asleep on Good Friday and didn't wake until the following Tuesday.

Eventually figured out that someone slipped me an Ether Bunny!

Sorry, that doesn't qualify as corn. That, is funny. Grin

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #7 - Mar 20^th, 2011 at 7:22pm

JSpahn Offline
Colonel
Im too sexy for my hair
Philadelphia,PA

Gender:
Posts: 1808

What kind of bees produce milk.......

boo-bees Cheesy

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Reply #8 - Mar 22^nd, 2011 at 1:23am

Ang2dogs Offline
Colonel
No matter where you go,
there you are.
black mountain hills of Dakota

Gender:
Posts: 848

Horse walks into a bar,

bartender says, why the long face? Smiley

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Reply #9 - Mar 22^nd, 2011 at 6:25am

Skunkworks Offline
Colonel
Frazzle Dazzle!
Central California

Gender:
Posts: 2102

Two bear hunters walking through the woods and one looks down and notices the other has on tennis shoes..."why do you have on tennis shoes" he asks " you can't out run a bear"? to which the other hunter replied..."I don't have to out run the bear I just have to out run you."

FSX, we've come a long way baby! Skunk Works is an official alias for Lockheed Martin’s Advanced Development Programs (ADP), formerly called Lockheed Advanced Development Projects. Skunk Works is responsible for a number of famous aircraft designs, including the U-2, the SR-71 Blackbird, the F-117 Nighthawk, and the F-22 Raptor. Its largest current project is the F-35 Lightning II

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Reply #10 - Mar 22^nd, 2011 at 10:17am

whitley Offline
Colonel
I am not young enough
to know everything
Buckinghamshire UK

Gender:
Posts: 72

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work

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Reply #11 - Mar 22^nd, 2011 at 10:19am

whitley Offline
Colonel
I am not young enough
to know everything
Buckinghamshire UK

Gender:
Posts: 72

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing

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Reply #12 - Mar 22^nd, 2011 at 1:23pm

Tequila Sunrise Offline
Colonel
Nunquam non paratus
Glasgow Scotland

Gender:
Posts: 4149

a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Craig

If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Thou shalt maintain thine airspeed lest the ground shalt rise up and smite thee

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Reply #13 - Mar 22^nd, 2011 at 6:38pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station..

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #14 - Mar 22^nd, 2011 at 10:45pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

A pirate with a steering wheel in his pants walks into a bar. The bar tender say's "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?". The pirate replies "Aye, it's driving me nuts!".

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #15 - Mar 23^rd, 2011 at 8:05am

whitley Offline
Colonel
I am not young enough
to know everything
Buckinghamshire UK

Gender:
Posts: 72

I had a bad dream about a horse last night, it was a nightmare

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Reply #16 - Mar 25^th, 2011 at 9:23am

ApplePie Offline
Colonel
North Carolina, USA

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Posts: 2143

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."

MY SPECS= 5' 11" Slightly less than healthy male, 160 lbs., Brown eyes........Oh...you were wondering about my computers specs.....

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Reply #17 - Mar 25^th, 2011 at 5:44pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

The air was fresh, the sunshine warm and a hawk was sitting quietly on a limb overlooking the cornfield. Behind the hawk, one frog had the whole pond to himself...
until he croaked.

P.S. Okay, so I made that one up... but everyone knows all the others and you wanted something corny...

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Reply #18 - Mar 26^th, 2011 at 10:23am

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

A man is sitting on the veranda with his wife, He suddenly says, “I love you.” She asks, “Is that you talking OR the beer talking ?” He replies, “It’s me……….talking to the beer.”..

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #19 - Mar 29^th, 2011 at 11:43am

Jisco Offline
Colonel
Meooooow
KCVG

Gender:
Posts: 483

A blonde walks in to a bar and says ow.

F16!

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Reply #20 - Mar 31^st, 2011 at 12:14am

U4EA Ex Member

What pop star lays on the floor and looks good?

Justin Berber! Cheesy

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Reply #21 - Mar 31^st, 2011 at 12:21am

Ang2dogs Offline
Colonel
No matter where you go,
there you are.
black mountain hills of Dakota

Gender:
Posts: 848

A dog walks into a saloon, the bartender grabs a gun and shots the dog yelling get out of my bar! Dog comes back a few days later goes into the saloon and says, I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!

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Reply #22 - Mar 31^st, 2011 at 9:00pm

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

How did the horse vote in the election?

Neigh!

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #23 - Apr 1^st, 2011 at 9:48pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

If I become ionized and then unionized, then do I have to pay union dues?

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #24 - Apr 2^nd, 2011 at 7:48am

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

Did you hear that the workers at the Royal Canadian Mint might go on strike? They want to make less money...

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #25 - Apr 5^th, 2011 at 3:06pm

U4EA Ex Member

Three people lying on a bed. One is a guy on the left, and the is a other guy on the right, with the third being a girl in the middle.

What's her name?

Sharon Peters! Cheesy

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Reply #26 - Apr 9^th, 2011 at 6:05pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

If the perfume vending machine is empty, what would the sign on the front of it say?

Out of odor.
Roll Eyes

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #27 - Apr 15^th, 2011 at 12:47am

Ang2dogs Offline
Colonel
No matter where you go,
there you are.
black mountain hills of Dakota

Gender:
Posts: 848

A gorilla walks into the bar.......Orders a beer.

Bartender serves him the brew and says, $10 bucks!

The gorilla says $10 bucks
, you kidding me?!!

Bartender says, well I've never had a gorilla in here before!

Gorilla says, really?,,,,,,,,,well with these prices ,,,,,I'm not surprized!

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Reply #28 - Apr 15^th, 2011 at 1:32am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

Bubba and Boudreaux are arguing about the meanest animal on the planet. Bubba says, "Da meanest animule on da planet is a tiger."

Boudreaux says, "No, da meanest animule is a Grizzly Bear."

Justin walks up about this time and says, "You both wrong. Da meanest animule on da planet is a Crocodole."

Boudreaux says, "A Crocodole? What da hell is dat?"

Justin says, "He jus like a crocodile, 'cept he got a haid on both ends."

Bubba says, "A haid on both ends? How do he poop?"

Justin says, "He don't, dat what make him so mean."

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #29 - Apr 15^th, 2011 at 3:17pm

Skunkworks Offline
Colonel
Frazzle Dazzle!
Central California

Gender:
Posts: 2102

patchz wrote on Apr 15^th, 2011 at 1:32am:

Bubba and Boudreaux are arguing about the meanest animal on the planet. Bubba says, "Da meanest animule on da planet is a tiger."

Boudreaux says, "No, da meanest animule is a Grizzly Bear."

Justin walks up about this time and says, "You both wrong. Da meanest animule on da planet is a Crocodole."

Boudreaux says, "A Crocodole? What da hell is dat?"

Justin says, "He jus like a crocodile, 'cept he got a haid on both ends."

Bubba says, "A haid on both ends? How do he poop?"

Justin says, "He don't, dat what make him so mean."

Corn no, funny yes!!! Grin

FSX, we've come a long way baby! Skunk Works is an official alias for Lockheed Martin’s Advanced Development Programs (ADP), formerly called Lockheed Advanced Development Projects. Skunk Works is responsible for a number of famous aircraft designs, including the U-2, the SR-71 Blackbird, the F-117 Nighthawk, and the F-22 Raptor. Its largest current project is the F-35 Lightning II

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Reply #30 - Apr 15^th, 2011 at 4:59pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #31 - Apr 15^th, 2011 at 5:43pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

patchz wrote on Apr 15^th, 2011 at 1:32am:

Bubba and Boudreaux are arguing about the meanest animal on the planet. Bubba says, "Da meanest animule on da planet is a tiger."

Boudreaux says, "No, da meanest animule is a Grizzly Bear."

Justin walks up about this time and says, "You both wrong. Da meanest animule on da planet is a Crocodole."

Boudreaux says, "A Crocodole? What da hell is dat?"

Justin says, "He jus like a crocodile, 'cept he got a haid on both ends."

Bubba says, "A haid on both ends? How do he poop?"

Justin says, "He don't, dat what make him so mean."

From this tailless wonder we got the term $hthead?...

« Last Edit: Apr 16^th, 2011 at 12:01pm by H »

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Reply #32 - Apr 15^th, 2011 at 11:02pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #33 - Apr 17^th, 2011 at 4:25am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

What do you call it when two puzzle authors have a tiff?

Cross words.

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #34 - Apr 17^th, 2011 at 6:13am

Radio Homer Offline
Colonel
B737-800!

Posts: 74

a duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender "got any bread?"
the bar tender replies "no"
a few seconds later the duck asks again "got any bread?"
"no" the bar tender replies
after about 15 minuets of the duck asking the bar tender if he has any bread he screams
"IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I HAVE ANY BREAD I WILL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO TO BAR!!"
after a few silent seconds the duck replies
"got any nails?"
"no" says the bar tender

"got any bread?" Cheesy

Here to help and get help!!!

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Reply #35 - Apr 17^th, 2011 at 11:57am

CHUCK79 Offline
Global Moderator
"Good grief"
KOMK

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Posts: 4998

Radio Homer wrote on Apr 17^th, 2011 at 6:13am:

a duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender "got any bread?"
the bar tender replies "no"
a few seconds later the duck asks again "got any bread?"
"no" the bar tender replies
after about 15 minuets of the duck asking the bar tender if he has any bread he screams
"IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I HAVE ANY BREAD I WILL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO TO BAR!!"
after a few silent seconds the duck replies
"got any nails?"
"no" says the bar tender

"got any bread?" Cheesy

"Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and danced the skies on laughter silvered wings. Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth of sun split clouds.....and done a hundred things you have never dreamed of.....wheeled and soared and swung high in the sunlit silence. Hovering there, I've chased the shouting wind along and flung my eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up the long, delerious, burning blue I've topped the wind swept heights with easy grace where never Lark, nor even Eagle flew. While with silent lifting of mind I've trod the high untrespassed sanctity of space, put out my hand and touched the face of god"

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Reply #36 - Apr 17^th, 2011 at 2:39pm

Groundbound1 Offline
Colonel
No, I don't work for Mythbusters...
Michigan, USA

Gender:
Posts: 1745

Radio Homer wrote on Apr 17^th, 2011 at 6:13am:

a duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender "got any bread?"
the bar tender replies "no"
a few seconds later the duck asks again "got any bread?"
"no" the bar tender replies
after about 15 minuets of the duck asking the bar tender if he has any bread he screams
"IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I HAVE ANY BREAD I WILL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO TO BAR!!"
after a few silent seconds the duck replies
"got any nails?"
"no" says the bar tender

"got any bread?" Cheesy

Good one!

Specs: Asus Crosshair nForce 590 SLI,
AMD Athlon X2 6400+ w/ZeroTherm BTF90,
4GB G.Skill PI Series DDR2-800,
Sapphire HD4870 512MB,
PC P&C 750 Quad, in a CoolerMaster HAF932

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Reply #37 - Apr 20^th, 2011 at 12:02am

CaptJon1979 Offline
Colonel
Always Fly FS9
KNHK or KADW

Gender:
Posts: 25

What do you call a blond on a fishing boat.

Hook, Line and Sink Her. Grin

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Reply #38 - Apr 20^th, 2011 at 1:12pm

Al_Fallujah Ex Member

What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?

Stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

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Reply #39 - Apr 20^th, 2011 at 1:13pm

Al_Fallujah Ex Member

Dyslexics of the World, UNTIE!

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Reply #40 - Apr 20^th, 2011 at 6:46pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

Dow hare you make fun of dyslexics! Angry

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #41 - Apr 20^th, 2011 at 7:24pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #42 - Apr 25^th, 2011 at 6:45pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

How I got fired from the flower shop:

(customer) Excuse me, do you have a clematis?
(me) No sir, I'm all man!

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #43 - May 19^th, 2011 at 7:32pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We haven't done a gig yet.

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #44 - May 20^th, 2011 at 6:21pm

Skunkworks Offline
Colonel
Frazzle Dazzle!
Central California

Gender:
Posts: 2102

Steve M wrote on May 19^th, 2011 at 7:32pm:

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We haven't done a gig yet.

That's not corn that's geek speak! Grin

FSX, we've come a long way baby! Skunk Works is an official alias for Lockheed Martin’s Advanced Development Programs (ADP), formerly called Lockheed Advanced Development Projects. Skunk Works is responsible for a number of famous aircraft designs, including the U-2, the SR-71 Blackbird, the F-117 Nighthawk, and the F-22 Raptor. Its largest current project is the F-35 Lightning II

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Reply #45 - May 25^th, 2011 at 10:24pm

U4EA Ex Member

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

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Reply #46 - May 25^th, 2011 at 10:43pm

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #47 - May 26^th, 2011 at 4:41pm

Radio Homer Offline
Colonel
B737-800!

Posts: 74

A blonde goes to the hospital to know whether she is pregnant or not. The doctor does a scan and tells her she is going to have twins. The blonde bursts out in tears and the doctor asks why? He asks , do you not want twins? The blonde says, no, its just, i dont know who the 2nd dad is!!

Here to help and get help!!!

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Reply #48 - May 26^th, 2011 at 6:12pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #49 - May 26^th, 2011 at 6:14pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

My mail box, has nine letters in it. Cool

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #50 - May 28^th, 2011 at 2:13pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

Did you hear about the on-site conference for corn harvesters?
They were all ears.

Why didn't the nobleman publish his story?
He only had one page.

« Last Edit: May 30^th, 2011 at 10:27am by H »

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Reply #51 - Jun 8^th, 2011 at 1:01am

U4EA Ex Member

Anyone hear about the guy that ran into a crowded firehouse and yelled; "MOVIE, MOVIE, MOVIE!!!"

Didn't think so. Cheesy

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Reply #52 - Jun 8^th, 2011 at 8:39pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

U4EA wrote on Jun 8^th, 2011 at 1:01am:

Anyone hear about the guy that ran into a crowded firehouse and yelled; "MOVIE, MOVIE, MOVIE!!!"

That's not corn, that's funny! Hope you don't mind, but I'm borrowing that for my facebook status. I always try to come up with a funny status but today I was drawing a blank. Wink

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #53 - Jun 8^th, 2011 at 11:51pm

Ang2dogs Offline
Colonel
No matter where you go,
there you are.
black mountain hills of Dakota

Gender:
Posts: 848

What did one twin fetus say to the other one while in the womb?

Lets make like babies and head out!

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Reply #54 - Jun 9^th, 2011 at 12:10am

U4EA Ex Member

TacitBlue wrote on Jun 8^th, 2011 at 8:39pm:

U4EA wrote on Jun 8^th, 2011 at 1:01am:

Anyone hear about the guy that ran into a crowded firehouse and yelled; "MOVIE, MOVIE, MOVIE!!!"

That's not corn, that's funny! Hope you don't mind, but I'm borrowing that for my facebook status. I always try to come up with a funny status but today I was drawing a blank. Wink

Actually! It's not a joke. Many many moons ago my buds and I had imbided quite heavily while at a festival on Clearwater Beach.

One of the main Fire/Rescue Stations is adjacent to one of the larger public parking lots. Being that the Fire Department was one of the festival sponsors, the station was very crowded both inside and out.

As we stumbled past I shouted "Watch this!" and sprinted up the station driveway, stopped in the middle of the parked engines and yelled "Movie! Movie! Movie!"

Only a handful of the bystanders 'got it'.

Cheesy

No worries mate, borrow away!

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Reply #55 - Jun 10^th, 2011 at 1:56pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

Whenever you are in big trouble.. Push Alt + F4 Cool

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #56 - Jun 11^th, 2011 at 2:05pm

B-Valvs Offline
Colonel
Jaggie Police
5B2

Gender:
Posts: 5949

I'm not sure if anyone knows the old Tonight Show routine "Carnac the Magnificent," but here are some funny ones from that:

A: Planter's Punch.
Q: What do you call getting hit with a fistfull of peanuts?

A: "Breaking Away" and "Here's Boomer."
Q: What are two bad names for a laxative?

A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?

A: High rollers.
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.

A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

A: Flypaper.
Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?

A: Sissss, Boooom, Baaaaah!
Q. Describe the sound you hear when a sheep blows up!

A: The Orient express.
Q: What is a drink made with soy sauce and prune juice?

http://www.nightscribe.com/Politics/carnacquotes.htm

Here's a clip for those not familiar:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnwyQFe3wRA

Cool

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Reply #57 - Jun 11^th, 2011 at 3:22pm

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

I think you just made Johnny smile. I can just see Ed getting tickled at him. Grin

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #58 - Jun 11^th, 2011 at 9:55pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

I saw a sign that read "Huge DVD sale".

I would go, but I don't have a huge DVD player. Roll Eyes

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #59 - Jun 12^th, 2011 at 4:53am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

TacitBlue wrote on Jun 11^th, 2011 at 9:55pm:

I saw a sign that read "Huge DVD sale".

I would go, but I don't have a huge DVD player. Roll Eyes

And Vaudeville makes it to the 21^st Century, successfully, I might add. Grin

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #60 - Jun 19^th, 2011 at 11:58pm

Ang2dogs Offline
Colonel
No matter where you go,
there you are.
black mountain hills of Dakota

Gender:
Posts: 848

A drunk is banging on a street light yelling let me in!
A cop comes along and says alright buddy lets move along there's nobody home.

Whatya mean there's nobody home?, says the drunk,

there's a light on upstairs!

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Reply #61 - Jun 20^th, 2011 at 12:29am

machineman9 Offline
Colonel
Nantwich, England

Gender:
Posts: 5255

What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit?

An egg.

That was told to me by one of our hotel guests at about 3am after they'd had a few too many beers Grin

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Reply #62 - Jun 20^th, 2011 at 12:36am

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

Steve M wrote on May 26^th, 2011 at 6:14pm:

My mail box, has nine letters in it. Cool

No, your mailbox has eleven letters in it... but our mailbox has only ten.

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Reply #63 - Jul 1^st, 2011 at 1:05am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

You probably think I'm weird, but I have a question.

If a roach crawls out within easy reach and you properly dispose of it and then call it an idiot, would that be considered adding insult to injury? Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #64 - Jul 5^th, 2011 at 5:45pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

patchz wrote on Jul 1^st, 2011 at 1:05am:

You probably think I'm weird, but I have a question.

What does the former have to do with the latter?

patchz wrote on Jul 1^st, 2011 at 1:05am:

If a roach crawls out within easy reach and you properly dispose of it and then call it an idiot, would that be considered adding insult to injury?

Not necessarily; you haven't defined your meaning of 'properly dispose of it' so it may not have been injured, especially considering that it is a roach.

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Reply #65 - Jul 5^th, 2011 at 11:27pm

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

patchz wrote on Jul 5^th, 2011 at 11:26pm:

H wrote on Jul 5^th, 2011 at 5:45pm:

patchz wrote on Jul 1^st, 2011 at 1:05am:

You probably think I'm weird, but I have a question.

What does the former have to do with the latter?

Not fair, you already know I'm weird. Roll Eyes

patchz wrote on Jul 1^st, 2011 at 1:05am:

If a roach crawls out within easy reach and you properly dispose of it and then call it an idiot, would that be considered adding insult to injury?

Not necessarily; you haven't defined your meaning of 'properly dispose of it' so it may not have been injured, especially considering that it is a roach.

Disposed of, as in smushed with a shoe. I consider that to be proper disposal.

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #66 - Jul 7^th, 2011 at 5:36pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

patchz wrote on Jul 5^th, 2011 at 11:27pm:

Disposed of, as in smushed with a shoe. I consider that to be proper disposal.

Wonderful... you've just given the roach a soul (sp.).

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Reply #67 - Jul 7^th, 2011 at 11:34pm

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

H wrote on Jul 7^th, 2011 at 5:36pm:

patchz wrote on Jul 5^th, 2011 at 11:27pm:

Disposed of, as in smushed with a shoe. I consider that to be proper disposal.

Wonderful... you've just given the roach a soul (sp.).

Uh, say what? Undecided

Oh, never mind. I did not notice the adjunct sp at first. So I guess you are correct in your statement. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #68 - Jul 8^th, 2011 at 1:20am

U4EA Ex Member

The oyster would not give up it's pearl.

I thought that was being rather shellfish!

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Reply #69 - Jul 8^th, 2011 at 3:52am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

U4EA wrote on Jul 8^th, 2011 at 1:20am:

The oyster would not give up it's pearl.

I thought that was being rather shellfish!

Now that, is proper corn, yet still funny. Grin

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #70 - Jul 8^th, 2011 at 11:13am

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

A friend of mine is a movie buff, he goes to the theater at least once a week. So he took me completely seriously when I asked if he had seen the new pirate movie. You know the punch-line. Wink

P.S. in case you don't: "I hear it's rated AAARRRRGH!"

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #71 - Jul 8^th, 2011 at 4:43pm

Willit Run Offline
Colonel
Jack's Back!!
Cherry Hill, New Jersey USA

Posts: 4030

What did Delaware?...........A New Jersey!!

What did Tennessee?.........What Arkansas!!

Cory

&&

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Reply #72 - Jul 8^th, 2011 at 6:00pm

CHUCK79 Offline
Global Moderator
"Good grief"
KOMK

Gender:
Posts: 4998

Why was 6 afraid of 7???

Because 7,8,9 Grin

"Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and danced the skies on laughter silvered wings. Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth of sun split clouds.....and done a hundred things you have never dreamed of.....wheeled and soared and swung high in the sunlit silence. Hovering there, I've chased the shouting wind along and flung my eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up the long, delerious, burning blue I've topped the wind swept heights with easy grace where never Lark, nor even Eagle flew. While with silent lifting of mind I've trod the high untrespassed sanctity of space, put out my hand and touched the face of god"

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Reply #73 - Jul 8^th, 2011 at 9:16pm

JoBee Offline
Colonel
Better to give than receive.

Posts: 582

A duck walked up to the drug store cash register to buy a Chapstick.

The cashier asks "Will you be paying with cash or a credit card?"

The duck replies "Just put it on my bill".

Don't argue with idiots, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

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Reply #74 - Jul 8^th, 2011 at 9:55pm

U4EA Ex Member

JoBee wrote on Jul 8^th, 2011 at 9:16pm:

A duck walked up to the drug store cash register to buy a Chapstick.

The cashier asks "Will you be paying with cash or a credit card?"

The duck replies "Just put it on my bill".

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Reply #75 - Jul 8^th, 2011 at 9:57pm

U4EA Ex Member

Willit Run wrote on Jul 8^th, 2011 at 4:43pm:

What did Delaware?......

Idaho!

Alaska!

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Reply #76 - Jul 10^th, 2011 at 6:40pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

A timid duck was asked, "If we pulled off most your feathers, would that get your dander up?"
"No," the duck replied, "it would leave me mostly down."
_______________________________________________

A quick question:
In this technological age, where could you most always find a duck standing?

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Reply #77 - Jul 10^th, 2011 at 7:44pm

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

H wrote on Jul 10^th, 2011 at 6:40pm:

A timid duck was asked, "If we pulled off most your feathers, would that get your dander up?"
"No," the duck replied, "it would leave me mostly down."
_______________________________________________

A quick question:
In this technological age, where could you most always find a duck standing?

In a quackery... Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #78 - Jul 10^th, 2011 at 8:37pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

A Japanese business man came over to the US for a meeting one day. He exchanged 200 Yen for American currency and received 120 dollars. After his meeting he went out and had a nice dinner and some drinks. A few months later, the same business man had to come back to the US for another meeting, so he exchanged his 200 yen and only received 110 dollars. He asked the clerk, "Hey, last time I give you 200 yen and you give 120 dollar, why only 110 dollar now?" to which the clerk shrugged and replied "fluctuations". The business man's jaw dropped to the floor and he stuttered out "Well fluct-you Americans too!" and then he stormed out.

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #79 - Jul 11^th, 2011 at 12:29am

U4EA Ex Member

patchz wrote on Jul 10^th, 2011 at 7:44pm:

H wrote on Jul 10^th, 2011 at 6:40pm:

_______________________________________________

A quick question:
In this technological age, where could you most always find a duck standing?

In a quackery... Roll Eyes

.......and talkin' on his quackberry....... Tongue

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Reply #80 - Jul 11^th, 2011 at 12:30am

U4EA Ex Member

Confucious say that he who has woman on ground has peace on earth! Cool

He also say that duck who fly upside-down has quack up.

And she who crosses a mule with an onion has ass that will make eyes water.

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Reply #81 - Jul 11^th, 2011 at 5:58pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

patchz wrote on Jul 10^th, 2011 at 7:44pm:

H wrote on Jul 10^th, 2011 at 6:40pm:

A quick question:
In this technological age, where could you most always find a duck standing?

In a quackery...

or on a website.

« Last Edit: Jul 12^th, 2011 at 9:30am by H »

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Reply #82 - Jul 12^th, 2011 at 7:13am

chris49 Offline
Colonel
I love YaBB 1G - SP1!

Posts: 68

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the same side!

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Reply #83 - Jul 14^th, 2011 at 1:44pm

Club508 Offline
Colonel
I like repainting aircraft!
Planet Earth

Gender:
Posts: 1528

What's black white and red all over?
A bad and commonly heard joke!

My brother "lost" his mind, but I haven't given it back yet.

You say tomaeto,
he says tomato,
but I say ketchup.

You say potaeto,
he says potato,
but I say french fries.

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Reply #84 - Jul 14^th, 2011 at 6:41pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

Club508 wrote on Jul 14^th, 2011 at 1:44pm:

You say tomaeto,
he says tomato,
but I say ketchup.

You say potaeto,
he says potato,
but I say french fries.

Eh, salza and chips...

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Reply #85 - Jul 30^th, 2011 at 5:52am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

What kind of car did the lawyer buy?

An I suz U. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #86 - Jul 30^th, 2011 at 11:03am

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

patchz wrote on Jul 30^th, 2011 at 5:52am:

What kind of car did the lawyer buy?
An I suz U. Roll Eyes

Was this the same lawyer procured in the ToyYoda case? Huh

He should be getting tired with Japanese vehicles.

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Reply #87 - Aug 4^th, 2011 at 7:14am

Tequila Sunrise Offline
Colonel
Nunquam non paratus
Glasgow Scotland

Gender:
Posts: 4149

Q. Who was the worst World War 1 fighter pilot?

A. Baron Von Wreckedofen

Craig

If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Thou shalt maintain thine airspeed lest the ground shalt rise up and smite thee

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Reply #88 - Aug 12^th, 2011 at 10:21am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

Not only did my cat learn to type on the computer, she wrote a short story.

Naturally, she entitled it........

A Tail Of Two Kitties Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #89 - Aug 14^th, 2011 at 12:16am

Capt.Propwash Offline
Colonel
Let's get a little mud
on the tires!
KCHS, Charleston, SC, USA

Gender:
Posts: 1958

U4EA wrote on Jul 11^th, 2011 at 12:30am:

Confucious say that he who has woman on ground has peace on earth! Cool

He also say that duck who fly upside-down has quack up.

And she who crosses a mule with an onion has ass that will make eyes water.

Confucious also say:

Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.

Man who fart in chruch, sit in own pew.

Baseball wrong! Man with 4 balls can NOT walk.

The thoughts and expressions contained in the post above are solely my own, and not necessarily those of Simviation.com, its Moderators, its Staff, its Members, or other guests. They can not, are not, and will not be held liable for any thoughts, or expressions, or posts that I have made, or will make in the future.

Computer Specs:: Acer Aspire Laptop..Win7 Home Premium 64-bit (sp1), AMD Athlon II X2 P340 (Dual Core) [2.2 Ghz], ATI Mobility Radeon HD 4250 (256mb), 4GB DDR3......FS9.1(sp3) / FSX (sp2)..... Ultimate Terrain X, Ground Environment X, REX, FTX ORBX PNW-PFJ-NRM-CRM, OZx, Tongass Fjords, Misty Moorings

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Reply #90 - Aug 14^th, 2011 at 7:01am

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

I've found out the reason that women ask so many questions.

They have an extra why chromosome. Roll Eyes

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #91 - Aug 14^th, 2011 at 4:14pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

Steve M wrote on Aug 14^th, 2011 at 7:01am:

I've found out the reason that women ask so many questions.

They have an extra why chromosome. Roll Eyes

Yes, but do you have the right answer to wh

y

?

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Reply #92 - Aug 14^th, 2011 at 4:26pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

H wrote on Aug 14^th, 2011 at 4:14pm:

Steve M wrote on Aug 14^th, 2011 at 7:01am:

I've found out the reason that women ask so many questions.

They have an extra why chromosome. Roll Eyes

Yes, but do you have the right answer to wh

y

?

I'm going to have to put an X in the no box, H

(X chromosome, that is)

« Last Edit: Aug 16^th, 2011 at 6:41pm by Steve M »

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #93 - Aug 16^th, 2011 at 6:39pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

The wishbone will never replace the backbone.

- Will Henry

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #94 - Aug 16^th, 2011 at 8:20pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

Steve M wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 6:39pm:

The wishbone will never replace the backbone.
-- Will Henry

Will Henry obviously never fathomed the results of a face-on supersonic collision...

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Reply #95 - Aug 17^th, 2011 at 11:50am

Club508 Offline
Colonel
I like repainting aircraft!
Planet Earth

Gender:
Posts: 1528

H wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 8:20pm:

Steve M wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 6:39pm:

The wishbone will never replace the backbone.
-- Will Henry

Will Henry obviously never fathomed the results of a face-on supersonic collision...

Huh?

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Reply #96 - Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 5:43pm

hyperpep111 Offline
Colonel
You'll Never See Me Coming.
93 million miles from sun

Gender:
Posts: 1328

Club508 wrote on Aug 17^th, 2011 at 11:50am:

H wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 8:20pm:

Steve M wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 6:39pm:

The wishbone will never replace the backbone.
-- Will Henry

Will Henry obviously never fathomed the results of a face-on supersonic collision...

Huh?

I asked and I ask again what's with all the old people jokes Sad

Most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots because they know how easy it is.
Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.

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Reply #97 - Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 5:47pm

CHUCK79 Offline
Global Moderator
"Good grief"
KOMK

Gender:
Posts: 4998

hyperpep111 wrote on Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 5:43pm:

Club508 wrote on Aug 17^th, 2011 at 11:50am:

H wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 8:20pm:

Steve M wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 6:39pm:

The wishbone will never replace the backbone.
-- Will Henry

Will Henry obviously never fathomed the results of a face-on supersonic collision...

Huh?

I asked and I ask again what's with all the old people jokes Sad

We're "old people" Wink

Some more than others......the jokes from Laffy Taffy wrappers have begun to lose their appeal to us old farts Grin

"Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and danced the skies on laughter silvered wings. Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth of sun split clouds.....and done a hundred things you have never dreamed of.....wheeled and soared and swung high in the sunlit silence. Hovering there, I've chased the shouting wind along and flung my eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up the long, delerious, burning blue I've topped the wind swept heights with easy grace where never Lark, nor even Eagle flew. While with silent lifting of mind I've trod the high untrespassed sanctity of space, put out my hand and touched the face of god"

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Reply #98 - Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 6:40pm

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

hyperpep111 wrote on Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 5:43pm:

Club508 wrote on Aug 17^th, 2011 at 11:50am:

H wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 8:20pm:

Steve M wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 6:39pm:

The wishbone will never replace the backbone.
-- Will Henry

Will Henry obviously never fathomed the results of a face-on supersonic collision...

Huh?

I asked and I ask again what's with all the old people jokes Sad

Because old age and wisdom will always best youth and exuberance. Roll Eyes

Guess we need to add Maxine to the list.

http://www.google.com/search?q=maxine+cartoons&hl=en&prmd=ivns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&so...

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #99 - Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 7:41pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

patchz wrote on Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 6:40pm:

hyperpep111 wrote on Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 5:43pm:

Club508 wrote on Aug 17^th, 2011 at 11:50am:

H wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 8:20pm:

Steve M wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 6:39pm:

The wishbone will never replace the backbone.
-- Will Henry

Will Henry obviously never fathomed the results of a face-on supersonic collision...

Huh?

I asked and I ask again what's with all the old people jokes Sad

Because old age and wisdom will always best youth and exuberance. Roll Eyes

Guess we need to add Maxine to the list.

http://www.google.com/search?q=maxine+cartoons&hl=en&prmd=ivns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&so...

Maxine!

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #100 - Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 7:57pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

hyperpep111 wrote on Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 5:43pm:

Club508 wrote on Aug 17^th, 2011 at 11:50am:

H wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 8:20pm:

Steve M wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 6:39pm:

The wishbone will never replace the backbone.
-- Will Henry

Will Henry obviously never fathomed the results of a face-on supersonic collision...

Huh?

I asked and I ask again what's with all the old people jokes Sad

Will Henry was an old dude that wrote fictional stories for us younger guys. You might say he was a literary fibber such as Samuel Clemmens. (Mark Twain) They were writers that could tell a tall tale and get away with it. Cool

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #101 - Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 8:23pm

Club508 Offline
Colonel
I like repainting aircraft!
Planet Earth

Gender:
Posts: 1528

Steve M wrote on Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 7:57pm:

hyperpep111 wrote on Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 5:43pm:

Club508 wrote on Aug 17^th, 2011 at 11:50am:

H wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 8:20pm:

Steve M wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 6:39pm:

The wishbone will never replace the backbone.
-- Will Henry

Will Henry obviously never fathomed the results of a face-on supersonic collision...

Huh?

I asked and I ask again what's with all the old people jokes Sad

Will Henry was an old dude that wrote fictional stories for us younger guys. You might say he was a literary fibber such as Samuel Clemmens. (Mark Twain) They were writers that could tell a tall tale and get away with it. Cool

Ah!

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Reply #102 - Aug 23^rd, 2011 at 7:01am

hyperpep111 Offline
Colonel
You'll Never See Me Coming.
93 million miles from sun

Gender:
Posts: 1328

Steve M wrote on Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 7:57pm:

hyperpep111 wrote on Aug 22^nd, 2011 at 5:43pm:

Club508 wrote on Aug 17^th, 2011 at 11:50am:

H wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 8:20pm:

Steve M wrote on Aug 16^th, 2011 at 6:39pm:

The wishbone will never replace the backbone.
-- Will Henry

Will Henry obviously never fathomed the results of a face-on supersonic collision...

Huh?

I asked and I ask again what's with all the old people jokes Sad

Will Henry was an old dude that wrote fictional stories for us younger guys. You might say he was a literary fibber such as Samuel Clemmens. (Mark Twain) They were writers that could tell a tall tale and get away with it. Cool

Ooh.

Most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots because they know how easy it is.
Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.

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Reply #103 - Sep 3^rd, 2011 at 10:49pm

U4EA Ex Member

Duck hunters are addicted to quack! Cheesy

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Reply #104 - Sep 4^th, 2011 at 7:21am

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

U4EA wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2011 at 10:49pm:

Duck hunters are addicted to quack!

Did you discover that on their web site?

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Reply #105 - Sep 4^th, 2011 at 8:46am

Club508 Offline
Colonel
I like repainting aircraft!
Planet Earth

Gender:
Posts: 1528

H wrote on Sep 4^th, 2011 at 7:21am:

U4EA wrote on Sep 3^rd, 2011 at 10:49pm:

Duck hunters are addicted to quack!

Did you discover that on their web site?

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Reply #106 - Sep 4^th, 2011 at 11:11am

U4EA Ex Member

Not Exactly! I am a duck hunter! There, I said it! I feel so liberated now! Grin

"Hi, my name is U4EA and I'm a quack addict."

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Reply #107 - Sep 4^th, 2011 at 12:36pm

Bud Greene Offline
Colonel
What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

Gender:
Posts: 480

What do astronauts get instead of athlete's foot?
Missile-toe

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Reply #108 - Sep 4^th, 2011 at 12:42pm

Club508 Offline
Colonel
I like repainting aircraft!
Planet Earth

Gender:
Posts: 1528

Bud Greene wrote on Sep 4^th, 2011 at 12:36pm:

What do astronauts get instead of athlete's foot?
Missile-toe

Good one!

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Reply #109 - Sep 4^th, 2011 at 6:17pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

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Posts: 6837

Bud Greene wrote on Sep 4^th, 2011 at 12:36pm:

What do astronauts get instead of athlete's foot?
Missile-toe

An alternative question for that is:
"What do you find at the foot of a Christmas rocket?"

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Reply #110 - Sep 4^th, 2011 at 8:12pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

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U4EA wrote on Sep 4^th, 2011 at 11:11am:

Not Exactly! I am a duck hunter! There, I said it! I feel so liberated now! Grin

"Hi, my name is U4EA and I'm a quack addict."

Well if your a duck hunter you missed a few thousand Grin

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #111 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 7:35am

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

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U4EA wrote on Sep 4^th, 2011 at 11:11am:

Not Exactly! I am a duck hunter!

Well, then, my fine feathered friend, would you tell me just what a duck hunts?

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Reply #112 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 7:43am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

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H wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 7:35am:

U4EA wrote on Sep 4^th, 2011 at 11:11am:

Not Exactly! I am a duck hunter!

Well, then, my fine feathered friend, would you tell me just what a duck hunts?

Elmer Fudd??? Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #113 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 8:54am

Club508 Offline
Colonel
I like repainting aircraft!
Planet Earth

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patchz wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 7:43am:

H wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 7:35am:

U4EA wrote on Sep 4^th, 2011 at 11:11am:

Not Exactly! I am a duck hunter!

Well, then, my fine feathered friend, would you tell me just what a duck hunts?

Elmer Fudd??? Roll Eyes

Nope. Me. I'm constantly running from em'.
For some reason it thinks I'm it's mother!!! Cheesy

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Reply #114 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 9:01am

hyperpep111 Offline
Colonel
You'll Never See Me Coming.
93 million miles from sun

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But for some reason they keep Pecking me Sad

.
And one big one is constantly running after me.
It must be a big baby Tongue

Most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots because they know how easy it is.
Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.

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Reply #115 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 1:14pm

Bud Greene Offline
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What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

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Why are pianos so noble?
They are upright and grand. Cheesy

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Reply #116 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 6:02pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

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hyperpep111 wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 9:01am:

But for some reason they keep Pecking me.

When they give you their bill, do you pay it?

Bud Greene wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 1:14pm:

Why are pianos so noble?
They are upright and grand.

They haven't all been so noble -- some were real players.

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Reply #117 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 8:08pm

Club508 Offline
Colonel
I like repainting aircraft!
Planet Earth

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H wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 6:02pm:

hyperpep111 wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 9:01am:

But for some reason they keep Pecking me.

When they give you their bill, do you pay it?

Yes, but they still keep chasing me.

H wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 6:02pm:

Bud Greene wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 1:14pm:

Why are pianos so noble?
They are upright and grand.

They haven't all been so noble -- some were real players.

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Reply #118 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 8:08pm

U4EA Ex Member

H wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 7:35am:

U4EA wrote on Sep 4^th, 2011 at 11:11am:

Not Exactly! I am a duck hunter!

Well, then, my fine feathered friend, would you tell me just what a duck hunts?

Lady ducks! Cool

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Reply #119 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 8:14pm

U4EA Ex Member

Steve M wrote on Sep 4^th, 2011 at 8:12pm:

U4EA wrote on Sep 4^th, 2011 at 11:11am:

Not Exactly! I am a duck hunter! There, I said it! I feel so liberated now! Grin

"Hi, my name is U4EA and I'm a quack addict."

Well if your a duck hunter you missed a few thousand Grin

Truth be told, and it must, if it flies and I shoot at it (referring to birds and birds only!) it has better than an 85% chance of flyin' off unharmed and flippin' me the.......you know! Cheesy

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Reply #120 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 8:23pm

Bud Greene Offline
Colonel
What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

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An oyster met an oyster
and they were oysters two.
Two oysters met two oysters
and they were oysters too.
Four oysters met a pint of milk
and they were oyster stew.

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Reply #121 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 9:26pm

machineman9 Offline
Colonel
Nantwich, England

Gender:
Posts: 5255

A man and his friend walks into a bar.
The barman says "what can I get for you to drink?"
The man replies; "I'll just have a glass of H20 please"
"And for you?", directing his attention to the friend.
"I'll have some H20 too."

The friend dies.

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Reply #122 - Sep 5^th, 2011 at 10:45pm

U4EA Ex Member

machineman9 wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 9:26pm:

A man and his friend walks into a bar.
The barman says "what can I get for you to drink?"
The man replies; "I'll just have a glass of H20 please"
"And for you?", directing his attention to the friend.
"I'll have some H20 too."

The friend dies.

That is awesome! Grin

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Reply #123 - Sep 6^th, 2011 at 1:35am

hyperpep111 Offline
Colonel
You'll Never See Me Coming.
93 million miles from sun

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H wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 6:02pm:

hyperpep111 wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 9:01am:

But for some reason they keep Pecking me.

When they give you their bill, do you pay it?

Never!!! But for some reason they peck me till the cluck strikes 12 Cheesy

Most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots because they know how easy it is.
Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.

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Reply #124 - Sep 6^th, 2011 at 1:49am

hyperpep111 Offline
Colonel
You'll Never See Me Coming.
93 million miles from sun

Gender:
Posts: 1328

2 politicians walked into a building. What did they say?
Ouch!!! Cool

Most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots because they know how easy it is.
Arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it.

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Reply #125 - Sep 6^th, 2011 at 10:18am

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
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hyperpep111 wrote on Sep 6^th, 2011 at 1:35am:

H wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 6:02pm:

When they give you their bill, do you pay it?

Never!!! But for some reason they peck me till the cluck strikes 12.

There's your problem -- just like any creditor, if you don't pay heed to their bills, they'll be constant peckers.

U4EA wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 8:14pm:

Truth be told, and it must, if it flies and I shoot at it (referring to birds and birds only!) it has better than an 85% chance of flyin' off unharmed and flippin' me the.......you know!

You can blame yourself for bringing this to my mind:

A bird hunter set off into the brush some ways behind his bird dog. Suddenly, his dog assumed a pointing stance towards a clump of greenery not a half yard in front of it. The dog was so close in line with his view that the dog's head partly obscured the clump but the hunter saw the head of the bird, then the raising of its wings. Determined to take the shot before the bird took flight, the hunter shot and immediately trotted towards the bird and his dog, which then jumped to where the bird was. The hunter's bird shot killed the bird but some of its stray pellets had struck the dog. While the hunter approached the dog sat on the far side of the bird staring at his master with bleeding muzzle. As soon as the hunter reached the spot, his dog flipped him the bird.

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Reply #126 - Sep 6^th, 2011 at 11:15pm

B-Valvs Offline
Colonel
Jaggie Police
5B2

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machineman9 wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 9:26pm:

A man and his friend walks into a bar.
The barman says "what can I get for you to drink?"
The man replies; "I'll just have a glass of H20 please"
"And for you?", directing his attention to the friend.
"I'll have some H20 too."

The friend dies.

HAHA Love this one! Grin

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Reply #127 - Sep 7^th, 2011 at 11:45am

jetprop Offline
Colonel
A freeware addict!
a chair infront of a monitor.

Posts: 1523

how will the barman clean up THAT mess...

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Reply #128 - Sep 7^th, 2011 at 7:21pm

Bud Greene Offline
Colonel
What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

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machineman9 wrote on Sep 5^th, 2011 at 9:26pm:

A man and his friend walks into a bar.
The barman says "what can I get for you to drink?"
The man replies; "I'll just have a glass of H20 please"
"And for you?", directing his attention to the friend.
"I'll have some H20 too."

The friend dies.

This brings to mind the beer prayer.
The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
BARMEN.

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Reply #129 - Sep 7^th, 2011 at 8:34pm

machineman9 Offline
Colonel
Nantwich, England

Gender:
Posts: 5255

Bud Greene wrote on Sep 7^th, 2011 at 7:21pm:

This brings to mind the beer prayer.
The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
BARMEN.

That's superb Grin

It will definately be one for special student night occasions Tongue

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Reply #130 - Sep 8^th, 2011 at 11:43pm

U4EA Ex Member

Piece of string walks in to a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve string here."

The string Says "Ok, I'll take my business elsewhere." The string walks down to the next bar, and tries to order a drink, the bartender in this bar says "We don't serve pieces of string here, move on!" The string is a little hurt, but he decides that he still needs a drink, and moves a little farther down the street to another bar.

He walks in tries to order a drink, and the bartender says "Get the hell out! We don't serve string in these parts."

This time the piece of string is real mad. He tussles up his hair, gets himself all knotted up, and walks in to the first bar he went in to, and says "Sir! I'll have a drink!" The bartender looks at him real close, and says, "Wait a minute, aren't you that piece of string?"

The piece of string puffs out his chest, and says, "Sorry sir, I'm a frayed knot."

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Reply #131 - Sep 9^th, 2011 at 9:13am

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

U4EA wrote on Sep 8^th, 2011 at 11:43pm:

The piece of string puffs out his chest, and says, "Sorry sir, I'm a frayed knot."

Good thing he wasn't a piece of thread... or he may have been a frayed sew.

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Reply #132 - Sep 9^th, 2011 at 10:10pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
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And the bar tender came to understand the meaning of tolerance and acceptance and they all lived happily ever after.

Either that or he threw the string out again. Wink

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #133 - Sep 10^th, 2011 at 6:58pm

Bud Greene Offline
Colonel
What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

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A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer and a mop."

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Reply #134 - Sep 10^th, 2011 at 8:37pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

Bud Greene wrote on Sep 10^th, 2011 at 6:58pm:

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer and a mop."

The bartender replied, "I don't think so -- you may be bone dry but we don't serve anyone who can't hold their liquor!"

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Reply #135 - Sep 11^th, 2011 at 4:50pm

Bud Greene Offline
Colonel
What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

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Posts: 480

H wrote on Sep 10^th, 2011 at 8:37pm:

Bud Greene wrote on Sep 10^th, 2011 at 6:58pm:

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer and a mop."

The bartender replied, "I don't think so -- you may be bone dry but we don't serve anyone who can't hold their liquor!"

I love witty replies! Grin

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Reply #136 - Sep 11^th, 2011 at 7:17pm

skoker Offline
Colonel
Jordan never wore his
safety goggles...
1G3

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A coprophiliac walks into a bar and orders a drink, he replies to the bartender "tastes like crap" Grin

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Reply #137 - Sep 11^th, 2011 at 7:58pm

Bud Greene Offline
Colonel
What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

Gender:
Posts: 480

skoker wrote on Sep 11^th, 2011 at 7:17pm:

A coprophiliac walks into a bar and orders a drink, he replies to the bartender "tastes like crap" Grin

Oohh! I could say that that joke stinks, ha,ha. Grin

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Reply #138 - Sep 17^th, 2011 at 10:34am

cgentil Offline
Lieutenant Colonel
I Love YaBB 2.5 AE!

Posts: 7

Good

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Reply #139 - Sep 22^nd, 2011 at 9:57pm

jime59 Offline
Colonel
I Fly Sim!
Streamwood,Il

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A ham sandwich walks into a bar, Bartender say's "We don't serve food here".

The mind is like a parachute...it only works when it's open.

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Reply #140 - Sep 23^rd, 2011 at 2:17am

U4EA Ex Member

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

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Reply #141 - Sep 23^rd, 2011 at 9:53am

CHUCK79 Offline
Global Moderator
"Good grief"
KOMK

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U4EA wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2011 at 2:17am:

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

"Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and danced the skies on laughter silvered wings. Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth of sun split clouds.....and done a hundred things you have never dreamed of.....wheeled and soared and swung high in the sunlit silence. Hovering there, I've chased the shouting wind along and flung my eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up the long, delerious, burning blue I've topped the wind swept heights with easy grace where never Lark, nor even Eagle flew. While with silent lifting of mind I've trod the high untrespassed sanctity of space, put out my hand and touched the face of god"

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Reply #142 - Sep 23^rd, 2011 at 5:45pm

FoxThree Offline
Colonel
KRFD

Gender:
Posts: 801

U4EA wrote on Sep 23^rd, 2011 at 2:17am:

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

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Reply #143 - Sep 27^th, 2011 at 12:09pm

U4EA Ex Member

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

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Reply #144 - Sep 27^th, 2011 at 12:10pm

U4EA Ex Member

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

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Reply #145 - Sep 27^th, 2011 at 12:11pm

U4EA Ex Member

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

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Reply #146 - Sep 27^th, 2011 at 12:37pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

U4EA wrote on Sep 27^th, 2011 at 12:09pm:

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

A long while ago I revised a default CFS mission, post-D-Day, for an attack on barges in the river: In Seine Mission.

U4EA wrote on Sep 27^th, 2011 at 12:11pm:

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Being stationary, it usually gets penned in.

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Reply #147 - Sep 28^th, 2011 at 12:49am

U4EA Ex Member

A hole has been found in the girls' locker room wall.

We told the administrator we'd look into it.

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Reply #148 - Sep 28^th, 2011 at 2:02am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

What do you say about bullets that missed their target?

They were lead astray. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #149 - Sep 28^th, 2011 at 12:33pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

patchz wrote on Sep 28^th, 2011 at 2:02am:

What do you say about bullets that missed their target?
They were lead astray. Roll Eyes

...and many that don't miss the target make a bullet in board.

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Reply #150 - Sep 29^th, 2011 at 2:30am

U4EA Ex Member

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

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Reply #151 - Sep 29^th, 2011 at 6:33pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

patchz wrote on Sep 28^th, 2011 at 2:02am:

What do you say about bullets that missed their target?

They were lead astray. Roll Eyes

I never miss, but occasionally my bullets hit things that I wasn't aiming at... Roll Eyes

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #152 - Sep 30^th, 2011 at 12:06am

Ang2dogs Offline
Colonel
No matter where you go,
there you are.
black mountain hills of Dakota

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It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about. It's the ones marked "To whom it my concern"!

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Reply #153 - Sep 30^th, 2011 at 10:43pm

U4EA Ex Member

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"

The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

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Reply #154 - Oct 1^st, 2011 at 12:50am

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

U4EA wrote on Sep 30^th, 2011 at 10:43pm:

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"
The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

The wife quickly responded in a hushed but intentionally audible voice, "I told you to take those stomach pills before we left!"

TacitBlue wrote on Sep 29^th, 2011 at 6:33pm:

I never miss, but occasionally my bullets hit things that I wasn't aiming at...

We hope you weren't one those things hit that you weren't aiming at*; such events are not as infrequent as we would think:
I've missed a target but never remember hitting the wrong one, let alone so far in the wrong direction.* Shocked

we know your statement was made in humor and, if it weren't for the results, some of the reasons for self-shootings are on the humorous side, if not just strange, too.

« Last Edit: Oct 1^st, 2011 at 6:29pm by H »

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Reply #155 - Oct 2^nd, 2011 at 6:30pm

Bud Greene Offline
Colonel
What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

Gender:
Posts: 480

What's long and hard and full of seamen?
A submarine.

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Reply #156 - Oct 5^th, 2011 at 2:09am

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say 'What the hell are you doing?'

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #157 - Oct 5^th, 2011 at 3:27am

FoxThree Offline
Colonel
KRFD

Gender:
Posts: 801

Steve M wrote on Oct 5^th, 2011 at 2:09am:

Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say 'What the hell are you doing?'

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Reply #158 - Oct 5^th, 2011 at 5:32am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

Guess that's not as bad as what a dog would do to that leg. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #159 - Oct 5^th, 2011 at 1:03pm

H Offline
Colonel
2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

Gender:
Posts: 6837

patchz wrote on Oct 5^th, 2011 at 5:32am:

Guess that's not as bad as what a dog would do to that leg. Roll Eyes

This indicates Steve has wandered from his native province... he's evidently related to a Labrador Retriever;
they sometimes attempt retrieving from wanton places.

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Reply #160 - Oct 5^th, 2011 at 6:42pm

TacitBlue Offline
Colonel
That's right, I have my
own logo.
Saint Joseph, Missouri, USA

Gender:
Posts: 5391

H wrote on Oct 1^st, 2011 at 12:50am:

TacitBlue wrote on Sep 29^th, 2011 at 6:33pm:

I never miss, but occasionally my bullets hit things that I wasn't aiming at...

We hope you weren't one those things hit that you weren't aiming at*; such events are not as infrequent as we would think:
I've missed a target but never remember hitting the wrong one, let alone so far in the wrong direction.* Shocked

we know your statement was made in humor and, if it weren't for the results, some of the reasons for self-shootings are on the humorous side, if not just strange, too.

Nope, I've never shot myself. Cool

I do, however, consider things like the ground, trees, and neighbors to be legitimate unintentional targets. Wink

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #161 - Oct 6^th, 2011 at 12:43am

H Offline
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TacitBlue wrote on Oct 5^th, 2011 at 6:42pm:

I do, however, consider things like the ground, trees, and neighbors to be legitimate unintentional targets.

Spoken like a true Missouran. Shocked

A long while ago, it was well known that two particular Missourans did not like each other. They were both out hunting one day and one of them climbed up onto a tree limb. The other happened into the same vicinity and shot him off from the tree.
He told the sheriff, "I thought it was a deer."

PS Beware: if the deer can climb a tree, it naturally explains that it can hold a gun.

« Last Edit: Oct 6^th, 2011 at 9:54am by H »

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Reply #162 - Oct 6^th, 2011 at 8:46am

patchz Offline
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Well, it IS the Show Me State. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #163 - Oct 10^th, 2011 at 2:33pm

TacitBlue Offline
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Sorry to burst your bubble guys, but I'm not actually from Missouri*. You can tell by my use of multi-syllable words. Wink

*We moved to the state of Misery from Indiana when I was 14. Wink

A&P Mechanic, Rankin Aircraft 78Y

Aircraft are naturally beautiful because form follows function. -TB

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Reply #164 - Oct 10^th, 2011 at 4:58pm

H Offline
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TacitBlue wrote on Oct 10^th, 2011 at 2:33pm:

Sorry to burst your bubble guys, but I'm not actually from Missouri*.

That still doesn't change the attitude of your statement... sort of like me being accused of a southern accent after stationed in Mississippi for over a year, although I rarely strayed from Keesler; guilt by association.

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Reply #165 - Oct 19^th, 2011 at 11:00pm

drtomkat Offline
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what do you get when you mix pms with gps?

a moody bitch who will find you.

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Reply #166 - Oct 20^th, 2011 at 2:46pm

Bud Greene Offline
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H wrote on Oct 10^th, 2011 at 4:58pm:

TacitBlue wrote on Oct 10^th, 2011 at 2:33pm:

Sorry to burst your bubble guys, but I'm not actually from Missouri*.

That still doesn't change the attitude of your statement... sort of like me being accused of a southern accent after stationed in Mississippi for over a year, although I rarely strayed from Keesler; guilt by association.

Ya'll (tee hee), I moved to Atlanta 23 years ago from Illinois and people STILL ask me if I am from up north. I must not say "ya'll" correctly.

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Reply #167 - Oct 20^th, 2011 at 2:50pm

Groundbound1 Offline
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Bud Greene wrote on Oct 20^th, 2011 at 2:46pm:

H wrote on Oct 10^th, 2011 at 4:58pm:

TacitBlue wrote on Oct 10^th, 2011 at 2:33pm:

Sorry to burst your bubble guys, but I'm not actually from Missouri*.

That still doesn't change the attitude of your statement... sort of like me being accused of a southern accent after stationed in Mississippi for over a year, although I rarely strayed from Keesler; guilt by association.

Ya'll (tee hee), I moved to Atlanta 23 years ago from Illinois and people STILL ask me if I am from up north. I must not say "ya'll" correctly.

Naaa, you're just not drinking enough "sweet tea"... Grin

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Reply #168 - Oct 20^th, 2011 at 6:08pm

H Offline
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Bud Greene wrote on Oct 20^th, 2011 at 2:46pm:

H wrote on Oct 10^th, 2011 at 4:58pm:

TacitBlue wrote on Oct 10^th, 2011 at 2:33pm:

Sorry to burst your bubble guys, but I'm not actually from Missouri*.

That still doesn't change the attitude of your statement... sort of like me being accused of a southern accent after stationed in Mississippi for over a year, although I rarely strayed from Keesler; guilt by association.

Ya'll (tee hee), I moved to Atlanta 23 years ago from Illinois and people STILL ask me if I am from up north. I must not say "ya'll" correctly.

Southerners definitely knew I was from the north -- but I went home on leave and was informed I'd been affected by a twinge of the southern according to my New England relatives.
I'd assume it's similar for immigrants and extended stay foreigners. Whereas variant spelling is the main different here, the typing doesn't quite carry the accent; I've worked or known a few now living in the US and the accent is very apparent; if they go back for a visit, surely the homeland natives will notice a difference in the speech of the former natives.

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Reply #169 - Oct 21^st, 2011 at 12:16am

patchz Offline
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H wrote on Oct 20^th, 2011 at 6:08pm:

Bud Greene wrote on Oct 20^th, 2011 at 2:46pm:

H wrote on Oct 10^th, 2011 at 4:58pm:

TacitBlue wrote on Oct 10^th, 2011 at 2:33pm:

Sorry to burst your bubble guys, but I'm not actually from Missouri*.

That still doesn't change the attitude of your statement... sort of like me being accused of a southern accent after stationed in Mississippi for over a year, although I rarely strayed from Keesler; guilt by association.

Ya'll (tee hee), I moved to Atlanta 23 years ago from Illinois and people STILL ask me if I am from up north. I must not say "ya'll" correctly.

Southerners definitely knew I was from the north -- but I went home on leave and was informed I'd been affected by a twinge of the southern according to my New England relatives.
I'd assume it's similar for immigrants and extended stay foreigners. Whereas variant spelling is the main different here, the typing doesn't quite carry the accent; I've worked or known a few now living in the US and the accent is very apparent; if they go back for a visit, surely the homeland natives will notice a difference in the speech of the former natives.

You did not have much of a northern accent on the phone. Sounded like you would fit right in. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #170 - Oct 21^st, 2011 at 1:35am

H Offline
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patchz wrote on Oct 21^st, 2011 at 12:16am:

You did not have much of a northern accent on the phone. Sounded like you would fit right in.

That somewhat surprises me... must have been because we were connected through a southern phone line. I did, however, notice that, if you really weren't originally from southern Mississippi, that you weren't from much closer than northern Mississippi.

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Reply #171 - Oct 22^nd, 2011 at 1:33am

patchz Offline
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IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

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H wrote on Oct 21^st, 2011 at 1:35am:

patchz wrote on Oct 21^st, 2011 at 12:16am:

You did not have much of a northern accent on the phone. Sounded like you would fit right in.

That somewhat surprises me... must have been because we were connected through a southern phone line. I did, however, notice that, if you really weren't originally from southern Mississippi, that you weren't from much closer than northern Mississippi.

That's only because I lived in Baton Rouge for a few years. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #172 - Oct 22^nd, 2011 at 11:17am

Bud Greene Offline
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Groundbound1 wrote on Oct 20^th, 2011 at 2:50pm:

Bud Greene wrote on Oct 20^th, 2011 at 2:46pm:

H wrote on Oct 10^th, 2011 at 4:58pm:

TacitBlue wrote on Oct 10^th, 2011 at 2:33pm:

Sorry to burst your bubble guys, but I'm not actually from Missouri*.

That still doesn't change the attitude of your statement... sort of like me being accused of a southern accent after stationed in Mississippi for over a year, although I rarely strayed from Keesler; guilt by association.

Ya'll (tee hee), I moved to Atlanta 23 years ago from Illinois and people STILL ask me if I am from up north. I must not say "ya'll" correctly.

Naaa, you're just not drinking enough "sweet tea"... Grin

How true! I dislike sweet tea, however I LOVE Coca Cola (headquartered in Atlanta). Cool

Even better yet is the Sweetwater 420 pale ale brewed here locally. Cool

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Reply #173 - Oct 22^nd, 2011 at 3:21pm

Steve M Offline
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Cambridge On.

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Ten words, two commas, an exclamation mark and a period all appeared in court yesterday...

They're due to be sentenced next week. Tongue

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #174 - Oct 22^nd, 2011 at 3:39pm

Bud Greene Offline
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Steve M wrote on Oct 22^nd, 2011 at 3:21pm:

Ten words, two commas, an exclamation mark and a period all appeared in court yesterday...

They're due to be sentenced next week. Tongue

I hope that when the exclamation mark and the period go back to court for their sentencing they are punctual. Cheesy

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Reply #175 - Oct 22^nd, 2011 at 3:55pm

Steve M Offline
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Bud Greene wrote on Oct 22^nd, 2011 at 3:39pm:

Steve M wrote on Oct 22^nd, 2011 at 3:21pm:

Ten words, two commas, an exclamation mark and a period all appeared in court yesterday...

They're due to be sentenced next week. Tongue

I hope that when the exclamation mark and the period go back to court for their sentencing they are punctual. Cheesy

Unruly commas have a history of murdering text., Grin

Capital punishment is in order here.

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #176 - Oct 22^nd, 2011 at 9:09pm

patchz Offline
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Noun and again, they get their just rewards. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #177 - Oct 23^rd, 2011 at 12:50am

H Offline
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2003: the year NH couldn't
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Some of the words and the two commas were additionally charged for showing their clause; their defense attorneys insisted it was just a phrase they were going through. The court also reminded that any leniency was up to the judge and specifically told the commas, period and exclamation point that they were to follow the letter.

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Reply #178 - Oct 23^rd, 2011 at 12:43pm

Bud Greene Offline
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H wrote on Oct 23^rd, 2011 at 12:50am:

Some of the words and the two commas were additionally charged for showing their clause; their defense attorneys insisted it was just a phrase they were going through. The court also reminded that any leniency was up to the judge and specifically told the commas, period and exclamation point that they were to follow the letter.

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Reply #179 - Oct 24^th, 2011 at 6:38pm

Steve M Offline
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Cambridge On.

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If you're in a vehicle going at the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #180 - Oct 26^th, 2011 at 7:04pm

H Offline
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2003: the year NH couldn't
save face...
NH, USA

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Steve M wrote on Oct 24^th, 2011 at 6:38pm:

If you're in a vehicle going at the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You're blinded by the light aand very light headed.

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Reply #181 - Oct 27^th, 2011 at 4:19pm

Steve M Offline
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H wrote on Oct 26^th, 2011 at 7:04pm:

Steve M wrote on Oct 24^th, 2011 at 6:38pm:

If you're in a vehicle going at the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You're blinded by the light aand very light headed.

Maybe the light would build up in the refractor lens until your headlights explode.

That is if light has mass.

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #182 - Oct 27^th, 2011 at 4:29pm

Groundbound1 Offline
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Michigan, USA

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I HEARD THAT!!! Angry

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Reply #183 - Oct 27^th, 2011 at 4:41pm

jetprop Offline
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a chair infront of a monitor.

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Steve M wrote on Oct 27^th, 2011 at 4:19pm:

H wrote on Oct 26^th, 2011 at 7:04pm:

Steve M wrote on Oct 24^th, 2011 at 6:38pm:

If you're in a vehicle going at the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You're blinded by the light aand very light headed.

Maybe the light would build up in the refractor lens until your headlights explode.

That is if light has mass.

[img]

actualy it would explode.
the light particals would ram into into each other creating a nuclear explosion.

WHAT!? i am being serious in the humour section! Cheesy

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Reply #184 - Oct 27^th, 2011 at 4:43pm

Steve M Offline
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Groundbound1 wrote on Oct 27^th, 2011 at 4:29pm:

I HEARD THAT!!! Angry

I remember that thread.. Cheesy

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #185 - Oct 27^th, 2011 at 4:57pm

Steve M Offline
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jetprop wrote on Oct 27^th, 2011 at 4:41pm:

Steve M wrote on Oct 27^th, 2011 at 4:19pm:

H wrote on Oct 26^th, 2011 at 7:04pm:

Steve M wrote on Oct 24^th, 2011 at 6:38pm:

If you're in a vehicle going at the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You're blinded by the light aand very light headed.

Maybe the light would build up in the refractor lens until your headlights explode.

That is if light has mass.

[img]

actualy it would explode.
the light particals would ram into into each other creating a nuclear explosion.

WHAT!? i am being serious in the humour section! Cheesy

I think even if the refractor lens was removed the light would still stay at the source. That is if light has mass, of course. Cool

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #186 - Oct 27^th, 2011 at 6:52pm

Steve M Offline
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As long as its corny, it fits I think.

There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #187 - Oct 27^th, 2011 at 7:13pm

FSX_Dude Offline
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I'm a dude that plays
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What is it?!?!?!?!?!? What is it?!?!?!?!?!?

I don't need a Sign.....wait......Damn!

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Reply #188 - Oct 27^th, 2011 at 7:26pm

Groundbound1 Offline
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Incorrectly? Cheesy

How do you mend a broken jack o' lantern?

-- with a pumpkin patch.

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Reply #189 - Oct 28^th, 2011 at 5:38am

Steve M Offline
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Groundbound is correct.. Cool

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #190 - Oct 28^th, 2011 at 12:20pm

U4EA Ex Member

Walked into a store the other night and asked for 3 condoms.

While the clerk was ringing them up he asked if I needed a bag.

I said, "Nah. She ain't that ugly."

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Reply #191 - Oct 31^st, 2011 at 6:29pm

Bud Greene Offline
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U4EA wrote on Oct 28^th, 2011 at 12:20pm:

Walked into a store the other night and asked for 3 condoms.

While the clerk was ringing them up he asked if I needed a bag.

I said, "Nah. She ain't that ugly."

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Reply #192 - Nov 1^st, 2011 at 3:04pm

U4EA Ex Member

(courtesy of an 8 yr old trick-or-treater last night)

Do you know why the Chicago Cubs don't use the Internet?

Because they can't put three W's in a row.

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Reply #193 - Nov 1^st, 2011 at 3:31pm

FSX_Dude Offline
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U4EA wrote on Nov 1^st, 2011 at 3:04pm:

(courtesy of an 8 yr old trick-or-treater last night)

Do you know why the Chicago Cubs don't use the Internet?

Because they can't put three W's in a row.

I don't get it. Cry

I don't need a Sign.....wait......Damn!

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Reply #194 - Nov 1^st, 2011 at 4:55pm

Steve M Offline
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FSX_Dude wrote on Nov 1^st, 2011 at 3:31pm:

U4EA wrote on Nov 1^st, 2011 at 3:04pm:

(courtesy of an 8 yr old trick-or-treater last night)

Do you know why the Chicago Cubs don't use the Internet?

Because they can't put three W's in a row.

I don't get it. Cry

W's stand for wins in basaball(baseball) or world wide web on internet. Wink

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #195 - Nov 2^nd, 2011 at 1:53am

Ang2dogs Offline
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there you are.
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U4EA wrote on Nov 1^st, 2011 at 3:04pm:

(courtesy of an 8 yr old trick-or-treater last night)

Do you know why the Chicago Cubs don't use the Internet?

Because they can't put three W's in a row.

I'm an ol Yankees fan, but I do love the Cubbies.

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Reply #196 - Nov 10^th, 2011 at 8:39pm

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

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I thought my girl friend was wearing a push down bra, but found out she wasn't wearing any bra. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #197 - Nov 10^th, 2011 at 10:15pm

Steve M Offline
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patchz wrote on Nov 10^th, 2011 at 8:39pm:

I thought my girl friend was wearing a push down bra, but found out she wasn't wearing any bra. Roll Eyes

Somehow nipples in your oatmeal came up in a conversation I had earlier this week. Cheesy

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #198 - Nov 10^th, 2011 at 10:54pm

CHUCK79 Offline
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Susie and Candy (both blonde) work in a lightbulb factory.......one day Susie says "I've been looking at lightbulbs for so long that I think I'm becoming one!" just then the foreman walks by and happens to overhear her. He says "Susie, you should take the rest of the day off". Susie agrees and heads for the door. Candy starts after her....the foreman says "where are you going Candy?" "You don't expect me to work in the dark do you?" was the reply Wink

"Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and danced the skies on laughter silvered wings. Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth of sun split clouds.....and done a hundred things you have never dreamed of.....wheeled and soared and swung high in the sunlit silence. Hovering there, I've chased the shouting wind along and flung my eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up the long, delerious, burning blue I've topped the wind swept heights with easy grace where never Lark, nor even Eagle flew. While with silent lifting of mind I've trod the high untrespassed sanctity of space, put out my hand and touched the face of god"

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Reply #199 - Nov 11^th, 2011 at 2:25pm

patchz Offline
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What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

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CHUCK79 wrote on Nov 10^th, 2011 at 10:54pm:

Susie and Candy (both blonde) work in a lightbulb factory.......one day Susie says "I've been looking at lightbulbs for so long that I think I'm becoming one!" just then the foreman walks by and happens to overhear her. He says "Susie, you should take the rest of the day off". Susie agrees and heads for the door. Candy starts after her....the foreman says "where are you going Candy?" "You don't expect me to work in the dark do you?" was the reply Wink

Actually, that reply is too intelligent to be attributed to a blonde. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #200 - Nov 11^th, 2011 at 6:53pm

FSX_Dude Offline
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patchz wrote on Nov 11^th, 2011 at 2:25pm:

CHUCK79 wrote on Nov 10^th, 2011 at 10:54pm:

Susie and Candy (both blonde) work in a lightbulb factory.......one day Susie says "I've been looking at lightbulbs for so long that I think I'm becoming one!" just then the foreman walks by and happens to overhear her. He says "Susie, you should take the rest of the day off". Susie agrees and heads for the door. Candy starts after her....the foreman says "where are you going Candy?" "You don't expect me to work in the dark do you?" was the reply Wink

Actually, that reply is too intelligent to be attributed to a blonde. Roll Eyes

Red head?

I don't need a Sign.....wait......Damn!

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Reply #201 - Nov 18^th, 2011 at 4:44pm

Bud Greene Offline
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Up, up in the air...

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip. Cheesy

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Reply #202 - Nov 18^th, 2011 at 6:03pm

Steve M Offline
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It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #203 - Nov 18^th, 2011 at 6:16pm

FSX_Dude Offline
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Steve M wrote on Nov 18^th, 2011 at 6:03pm:

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

I don't need a Sign.....wait......Damn!

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Reply #204 - Nov 18^th, 2011 at 10:16pm

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

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I think it's sad that Wile is just not remembered more. And the fact that he never won. Just once, I would have liked to see him win and play Colonel Sanders with that bird. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #205 - Nov 30^th, 2011 at 6:33am

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

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What does a six hundred pound canary say?

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #206 - Dec 6^th, 2011 at 11:59am

U4EA Ex Member

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

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Reply #207 - Dec 6^th, 2011 at 1:55pm

FSX_Dude Offline
Colonel
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Near M34

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U4EA wrote on Dec 6^th, 2011 at 11:59am:

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

I had to read that a few times to get it. Grin

I don't need a Sign.....wait......Damn!

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Reply #208 - Dec 6^th, 2011 at 7:59pm

Steve M Offline
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Cambridge On.

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U4EA wrote on Dec 6^th, 2011 at 11:59am:

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

Sweet!

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #209 - Dec 6^th, 2011 at 8:32pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The
farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us.
Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would
like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now,
but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is
he?"
"Under the wagon."

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #210 - Dec 8^th, 2011 at 1:06am

U4EA Ex Member

Escalator Rules Causing Me To Take The Stairs:

I came upon an escalator and on the base of the device it had a sign stating:

Must Carry Dog on Escalator

I walked around but could not find a dog! Embarrassed

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Reply #211 - Dec 8^th, 2011 at 9:50am

FoxThree Offline
Colonel
KRFD

Gender:
Posts: 801

Steve M wrote on Dec 6^th, 2011 at 8:32pm:

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The
farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us.
Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would
like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now,
but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is
he?"
"Under the wagon."

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Reply #212 - Dec 9^th, 2011 at 1:40am

U4EA Ex Member

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick pervert.”

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Reply #213 - Dec 22^nd, 2011 at 7:13pm

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

What did the lonely sailor say?

"Ahoy Buoy". Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #214 - Dec 22^nd, 2011 at 8:07pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

Not a one liner but here goes..
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want!'"

Tongue

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #215 - Dec 23^rd, 2011 at 12:10pm

Bud Greene Offline
Colonel
What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

Gender:
Posts: 480

Steve M wrote on Dec 22^nd, 2011 at 8:07pm:

Not a one liner but here goes..
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want!'"

Tongue

Nice!

Hmmm. I think I would have looked for her cash and credit cards first. Wink

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Reply #216 - Dec 24^th, 2011 at 1:05pm

Bud Greene Offline
Colonel
What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

Gender:
Posts: 480

What do you get if you deep fry Father Christmas?
Crisp Cringle. Cheesy

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Reply #217 - Dec 24^th, 2011 at 1:27pm

Steve M Offline
Colonel
Cambridge On.

Gender:
Posts: 4097

AKA Cris P Cringle

Flying with twins is a lot of fun..

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Reply #218 - Dec 24^th, 2011 at 1:29pm

Bud Greene Offline
Colonel
What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

Gender:
Posts: 480

Steve M wrote on Dec 24^th, 2011 at 1:27pm:

AKA Cris P Cringle

Not to be confused with his cousin, the crispy Mr. Pringle. Tongue

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Reply #219 - Dec 26^th, 2011 at 10:44pm

patchz Offline
Colonel
What, me worry?
IN THE FUNNY PAPERS

Gender:
Posts: 10589

I thought they already had that....

in the form of potato chips in a can. Roll Eyes

If God intended aircraft engines to have horizontally opposed engines, Pratt and Whitney would have made them that way.

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Reply #220 - Dec 27^th, 2011 at 1:58am

BrandonF Offline
Colonel
The Future of Flight
Location: Earth...Duh!!!!

Gender:
Posts: 2296

Steve M wrote on Dec 22^nd, 2011 at 8:07pm:

Not a one liner but here goes..
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want!'"

Tongue

Since he got the bike, I know what I'm taking, then! Grin

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Reply #221 - Jan 6^th, 2012 at 5:28pm

Bud Greene Offline
Colonel
What's up, doc?
Up, up in the air...

Gender:
Posts: 480

What does a gay horse eat?
Haaaaay! Cheesy

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Reply #222 - Jan 6^th, 2012 at 9:25pm

CHUCK79 Offline
Global Moderator
"Good grief"
KOMK

Gender:
Posts: 4998

Bud Greene wrote on Jan 6^th, 2012 at 5:28pm:

What does a gay horse eat?
Haaaaay! Cheesy

"Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth and danced the skies on laughter silvered wings. Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth of sun split clouds.....and done a hundred things you have never dreamed of.....wheeled and soared and swung high in the sunlit silence. Hovering there, I've chased the shouting wind along and flung my eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up the long, delerious, burning blue I've topped the wind swept heights with easy grace where never Lark, nor even Eagle flew. While with silent lifting of mind I've trod the high untrespassed sanctity of space, put out my hand and touched the face of god"

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