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Jeremy Clarkson Quotes (Read 1158 times)
Jul 29th, 2007 at 5:27pm

TSC.   Offline
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I pinched this from another forum, so forgive the plagiarism.
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Clarkson Quotes:

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for **********"

On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone; suddenly becoming stationary... that's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"

(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i"

"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"
Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

 

...

'Only two things are infinite.......The Universe and Human stupidity........and I'm not too sure about the Universe' - Einstein
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Reply #1 - Jul 29th, 2007 at 5:28pm

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Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..."
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
_________________________
God invented Guinness to stop the Irish ruling the world.
 

...

'Only two things are infinite.......The Universe and Human stupidity........and I'm not too sure about the Universe' - Einstein
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Reply #2 - Jul 29th, 2007 at 5:41pm
CharlottesDad   Ex Member

 
You've gotta love Clarkson.
Pure class!
Grin  Cool
 
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Reply #3 - Jul 29th, 2007 at 7:22pm
john_uk   Ex Member

 
clarkson for PM!

some awesome quotes Grin Grin Grin
 
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Reply #4 - Jul 29th, 2007 at 7:53pm

Mushroom_Farmer   Offline
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TSC. wrote on Jul 29th, 2007 at 5:28pm:
Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"


Had they watched any NASCAR races, they would have known the the Goodyear tires they were using have a propensity to delapidate at the most unfortunate moments. Wink
 

...&&&&"We're just sitting here trying to put our PCjrs in a pile and burn them. And the damn things won't burn. That's the only thing IBM did right with it - they made it flameproof." &&  Spinnaker Software chairman William Bowman, 1985
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Reply #5 - Jul 30th, 2007 at 9:41am

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Quote:
clarkson for PM!

some awesome quotes Grin Grin Grin


He would get my vote Grin

Matt
 

PETA ... People Eating Tasty Animals.

B1 Boeing 737-800 and Dash8 Q-400
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Reply #6 - Jul 30th, 2007 at 10:00am

Craig.   Offline
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the way they talk about it on the show, it wouldn't surprise me to see him give a run at the PM position a shot. What's worse, there's a good chance he'd win. Shocked
 
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Reply #7 - Jul 30th, 2007 at 9:31pm

Woodlouse2002   Offline
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Craig. wrote on Jul 30th, 2007 at 10:00am:
the way they talk about it on the show, it wouldn't surprise me to see him give a run at the PM position a shot. What's worse, there's a good chance he'd win. Shocked

Cor! Think about it! JC as PM and Boris as Mayor of London. It would be brilliant. It would brink politics alive for me again! Shocked Grin Cheesy
 

Woodlouse2002 PITA and BAR!!!!!!!!&&&&Our Sovereign Lord the King chargeth and commandeth all persons, being assembled, immediately to disperse themselves, and peaceably to depart to their habitations, or to their lawful business, upon the pains contained in the Act made in the first year of King George the First for preventing tumults and riotous assemblies. God Save the King.&&&&Viva la revolution!
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Reply #8 - Jul 31st, 2007 at 2:23am

expat   Offline
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Woodlouse2002 wrote on Jul 30th, 2007 at 9:31pm:
Craig. wrote on Jul 30th, 2007 at 10:00am:
the way they talk about it on the show, it wouldn't surprise me to see him give a run at the PM position a shot. What's worse, there's a good chance he'd win. Shocked

Cor! Think about it! JC as PM and Boris as Mayor of London. It would be brilliant. It would brink politics alive for me again! Shocked Grin Cheesy


Yes, I can see it now. They would scrap the congestion charge, bin bus lanes and ban anyone from the road who has less than six cylinders and most importantly, only let caravans on the road every 3rd Sunday of every second month between the hours of 01:30 and 04:30. Where do I put my "X"

Matt
 

PETA ... People Eating Tasty Animals.

B1 Boeing 737-800 and Dash8 Q-400
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Reply #9 - Jul 31st, 2007 at 2:48am
john_uk   Ex Member

 
expat wrote on Jul 31st, 2007 at 2:23am:
Yes, I can see it now. They would scrap the congestion charge, bin bus lanes and ban anyone from the road who has less than six cylinders and most importantly, only let caravans on the road every 3rd Sunday of every second month between the hours of 01:30 and 04:30. Where do I put my "X"

Matt


next to jeremy clarkson on the  paper Tongue
 
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Reply #10 - Jul 31st, 2007 at 8:04am

Iwannabeapilot   Offline
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Hilarious  Grin Love the one about the Espace!

Quote:
clarkson for PM!


Here here!  Cheesy
 

My  best Aviation pics HERE&&Advent T9201 - Intel P.4 3.4ghz HT - 2GB DDR - 250GB SATA HDD - 16x DVD & DVDRW - ATI Radeon 9550 256MB
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Reply #11 - Jul 31st, 2007 at 11:57pm

Mushroom_Farmer   Offline
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I would change my citizenship for the chance to cast a vote.  Grin
 

...&&&&"We're just sitting here trying to put our PCjrs in a pile and burn them. And the damn things won't burn. That's the only thing IBM did right with it - they made it flameproof." &&  Spinnaker Software chairman William Bowman, 1985
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Reply #12 - Aug 1st, 2007 at 10:04am

expat   Offline
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Mushroom_Farmer wrote on Jul 31st, 2007 at 11:57pm:
I would change my citizenship for the chance to cast a vote.  Grin


Maybe JC should change his........................JC for President Grin

Matt
 

PETA ... People Eating Tasty Animals.

B1 Boeing 737-800 and Dash8 Q-400
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Reply #13 - Aug 1st, 2007 at 2:59pm

Omag 2.0   Offline
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It would be great to see Jeremy in action as prime minister on foreign affairs...

Germany and Italy: allies for life

America: in on the deal because they look cool, but their cars still are just about roadworthy

France: immediate order to stop producing "cars"

Korea: will be nuked!
 

&&...&&&&Check my aviation-photo's at www.airliners.be&&&&Or go straight to Omag's Album
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Reply #14 - Aug 1st, 2007 at 6:34pm

TSC.   Offline
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Omag 2.0 wrote on Aug 1st, 2007 at 2:59pm:
America: in on the deal because they look cool, but their cars still are just about roadworthy

LOL, they may have got the rocket scientists after the war, but we kept all of the suspension & handling guys on this side of the pond.  Grin Grin

'Zis is ein rocket, it goes in ein straight line - you see.'

Grin

TSC.
 

...

'Only two things are infinite.......The Universe and Human stupidity........and I'm not too sure about the Universe' - Einstein
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