A little rude but I think it's within the rules. You have been warned!

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While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot a**ehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Speeding ticket: £105.00

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless.

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Jon 8)

LMAO!

ah, an oldie!

LMFAO

This is almost as bad as the supposed true story of a woman that was stopped by a state policemen in I think Florida (?) for a minor traffic violation. As the trooper approached the car carrying his warning book. The woman smiled and said, "I'll bet your going to give me some passes to the state policemen ball, aren't you?" To which the state policemen responded w/o thinking. "Mama, state policemen don't have balls." About the time the woman went through total melt down laughing her ass off. The poor cop much to his horror realized what he'd just said and proceeded to turn several shades of red. He then decided to cut his losses and told the woman to have a nice day and proceeded back to his cruiser and left.

I'm reminded of two actual events (both of these uncles, from different sides of the family, drank heavily).

The 1st uncle, soused as usual, got pulled over after turning onto a one-way alley in the wrong direction.
"You do realize this is a one-way street, sir?" the officer asked.
"Well," my uncle replied, "I'm only going one way."
Not so amused, the officer showed my uncle the one way to the court house.
__________________________

The 2nd uncle, having had well over the legal limit and heading home with my aunt along, was pulled over by a policeman about a block away from home. Noticing the address on his license, the officer then peaked in at my aunt, "Ma'am, I'll let this go with a warning if you'll drive the car the rest of the way."
"I don't have a driver's license," my aunt responded.
"That's OK, ma'am, but you've only got a block to go and I can't let him drive it."
"I'm sorry, sir," retorted my aunt, "but I can't drive!"
"Ma'am," emphasized the officer, "either you drive this car home or I'll have to take your husband to jail!"
My aunt got out of her side of the car and walked home -- my uncle went to jail.

Hey, just as a little amusement (waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy off topic):

I was just highlighting that joke to copy to my email, and I noticed that when you highlight the smilies (these  ) they kinda look like little monkey heads . . .

Weird, huh? ???