So this guy's sitting at a bar, and in strolls a pirate. The real deal- eyepatch, hook for a hand, even a wooden leg. He's straight out of Central Casting; even has the stereotypical growly voice and odd accent.
  The pirate sits drinking his rum or whatever silently, but this guy is very curious, and offers to buy the pirate a drink if he'll tell him about his "accessories".
"Well now, th'leg was th'first t'go- I was a new hand, an' they sent me up int' th'rigging during a gale ta help furl the sails... I slipped off th'spar, ye know, and got me leg tangled up in some lines. Horrible mess- the sawbones 'ad to cut it off, 'e did. So then the ship's carpenter whittled me this fine peg."
The other guy winces. "And the... the hook?"
"That was some years later; Me ship went down in a battle, y'see, and a great big shark came right up and bit th'hand clean off me wrist while I was in the water. Thought about retirin', I did, but th'hook serves me well enough, now that I'm used to it."
  "And the eye- a swordfight, perhaps?"
"Nay, lad- 'twas bird s**t..."
  "Bird s**t?"
  "Aye... 'twas me first day with the hook..."

lol! Been posted before..