The guy in Belgium I'm working with has tried everything not to pay me.

He turned up at work yesterday with a sack full of chopped wood.

Nah. I wash my hair on a Friday. I've still got 2 days before I need to wash it again.

It takes a team of 200 elves 14 years to fix the escalators.

You shouldn't have mentioned his nasal hair.

I saw Frank and Laura. I was on the top deck of the bus and they couldn't see me.

Come on! Let's get drunk. It's Tuesday... it's practically the end of the week.

Is Paddington named after the bear?

Billy? Is that short for Billiards?

They all turned her down, but if it had been in private, they'd have all said yes. I am telling you.

I have no fear of flying but I am scared of crashing.

Toto was the dog. Dorothy was the girl.

He has headlice... but not on his head.

LMAO! Good ones!