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Some whole bunch of very funny aviation jokes !!! (Read 253 times)

Dec 7^th, 2003 at 12:22am

Viktor_Z Offline
Colonel
Viktor with the "K"
Chicopee Falls, MASS (U.S.A.)

Gender:
Posts: 112

Well, these are all of the jokes I've been collecting throughout the year of my aviation history . . . Grin

Anyways, they are very funny and you won't waste time reading all of them because they are all worth it !!! Wink

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported :

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for
a ride."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest
FlightXXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

**********************************************************************
This is what a pilot learns in ground school:

Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.

Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.

The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere you brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.

Every one already knows the definition of a good landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a great landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.

Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at least two.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

**********************************************************************

Continued . . .

IP Logged

Reply #1 - Dec 7^th, 2003 at 12:24am

Viktor_Z Offline
Colonel
Viktor with the "K"
Chicopee Falls, MASS (U.S.A.)

Gender:
Posts: 112

Continued . . .

**********************************************************************
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers
lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged
maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the
corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way,
Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a
major accident.

P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the
log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by
the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a
piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine
was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

**********************************************************************
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

**********************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".

**********************************************************************
TOWER : Say altitude.
PILOT : altitude.
TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Say cancel IFR!

**********************************************************************
(Heard on the radio - Really)

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 2237, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 2237, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

**********************************************************************
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

**********************************************************************
An angry passanger!!!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "[blank] you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
**********************************************************************
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a
public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphing calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra
movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
**********************************************************************
A Flying students' diary..
Week 1
Monday: Rain
Tuesday: Rain
Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either
Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take
instructor to lunch.
Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same manoeuvre. Cover
instructor with lunch.
Week 2
Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off Plexiglas with ice-scraper. Used big
scratch as marker to set pitch.
Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle "THAT BIG KNOB THING."
Also hates when I call instruments "GADGETS"
Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turned them off.
Instructor seems to think I missed something.
Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today.
Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record -- my first
compliment.
Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight
yet.
Week 3
Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling
her "BABE". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted
flight.
Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him "BABE", too. He got
mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.
Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have
established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine.
Aha--progress!
Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also
did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancée's
house as point again.
Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final
formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!
Week 4
Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the
captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor
says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.
Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned grey at such
an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but
to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out
of the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor
says his back bothers him only a little.
Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot
lower. I'm sure my instructor is going grey.
Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked way. I told
him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.
Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone
actually laugh until they cried before.
**********************************************************************
Christmas is approaching really fast - at least my neighbours think so, they lit up their house with so many flashing and blinking lights you could think they want to support our nearest airport by providing some extra landing-space on their lawn.
**********************************************************************

That's all, hope you enjoyed, and all feedback is welcomed, and remember, these are not my jokes, but were collected by me from my friends !!! Grin

IP Logged

Reply #2 - Dec 7^th, 2003 at 12:43am

Triple_7 Ex Member

LMFAO those are good Grin

Heard a few of them before but they still make me laugh 8)

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

that one reminds me of a Northwest flight I was on last June. Only it was severe winds not a thunderstorm.

IP Logged

Reply #3 - Dec 7^th, 2003 at 6:00am

Polynomial Offline
Colonel
Health is merely the slowest
possible way to die.
Brisbane, Australia

Gender:
Posts: 1951

lol heard some b4 but some others were really funnY! Cheesy

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Reply #4 - Dec 7^th, 2003 at 11:59am

Craig. Offline
Colonel
Birmingham

Gender:
Posts: 18590

that memphis one, i have been through there on a few flights and the flight attendant said almot the exact same thing. infact twice roughly same thing(anyone getting i have been through memphis alot? and had many hard landings there:))

Great jokes seen quite a few before but still funny

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Reply #5 - Dec 7^th, 2003 at 12:29pm

Katahu Offline
Colonel

Gender:
Posts: 6920

Here's a good one:

**A German airline pilot flies over Schtutgard Germany**

Pilot: [speaks in pure German] Tower, this is Lufthansa Flight 123. Requesting clearance to land on runway 9L, over.

**A British guy in the tower replies**

Tower: Uhh...I'm afraid you have to speak English to me.

Pilot: I'm am a German, flying a German plane over Germany. Why must I speak English? Angry