Farts Types
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there, waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
2. THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But it's odor is foul, will give it away, due to the air circulation in a car. Someone will say, "Who farted in the back seat?"
3. THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and the farter alike, often interrupting conversations. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans or cabbage.
4. THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed to command authority. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.
5. THE CUSHIONED FART: Cushions may be 'butt cheeks' or an actual cushion. This is a blatant attempt to conceal a fart, sometimes successful sometimes not. When available, they will squirm and push their butt down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out the fart carefully without moving for some time. The farter is often overweight, using this to their advantage. Some odor may escape, but not much.
6. THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases, the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
7. THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Just like an echo.
8. THE G AND L FART: 'Gambled' and 'Lost'. This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. It is one of the more embarrassing of farts, even when you are alone.
9. THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have caused that odor, but some believe it is just something that happened to smell like a fart.
10. THE 'HIC-HACHOO-FART' FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat as an old person's fart is.
11. THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
12. 'THE JOHN' FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. This can be a common scenario.
13. THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
14. THE 'OH MY GOD' FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, "Oh shit!", which would be understandable.
15. THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratch-ass Fart.
16. THE RAMBLING 'PHADUKA' FART: This can be a frightening fart, both to the farter and spectator. What is most diagnostic about it is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is, sometimes leaving the farter unable to speak, as though he has had the wind knocked out of him. This strong, loud, and wavering fart can go on for up to fifteen seconds, often achieving multiple octaves along the way.
17. THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. It's sound can be identified by a 'phhhhh…'. The smell is swift and may require a change of underwear.
18. THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric SKILLSAW ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
Pages: 1
