"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is shining,
and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it`s
dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I
can`t imagine."

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat
outside on the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

Flight attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and
if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out in
public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."

Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it`s a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

At the end of a flight: "Our flight attendants are now walking
through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have
or anything else that you might wanna give us!"

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

The landing had been particularly hard. As the passengers exited,
the pilot was standing at the door, thanking the passengers for flying
with them. A little old lady paused on her way out and spoke to him. She
asked, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage
from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom,
"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in
their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at
the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
Captain taxis what`s left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant`s comment on a less-than-perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."