This is pretty long.
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
--------------------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food
in here."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra ..
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under
his arm and says, "A beer, please, and one
for the road."
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Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love,
and get
married.
The ceremony isn't much, but the "reception"
is great.
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Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and
says,
"My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you
can do for
him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at
him." So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, checks
his teeth, etc. Finally he says, "I'm going
to have to put
him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really, really heavy."
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I went to the butcher's the other day and I
bet him
fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat
off the top
shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."
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I went to a seafood disco rave last week ...
and pulled a mussel.
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What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
10 more puns for you......
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each
carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm
sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South
Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much - he became known as
the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving
once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in
the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for
the man who shot my paw."
5.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root
canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into
a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office
and asked them to
disperse."But why?" they asked, as they moved
off. "Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for
adoption.One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself
to
his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,"They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry
payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the competition
was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close
down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. So, the
rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in
town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat
up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can
prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked
barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with
his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him ....(Oh, man,
this is so bad, it's good)......
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who
sent ten different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least one
of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
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