Guide to Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading Sheila Kitzinger and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real experience.

1.      Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your wages paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2.      Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it- it’ll be the last time in your lives that you will have all the answers.

3.      To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for 12am and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk the living room floor with the bag until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up, make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4.      Can you stand the mess that children make? To find out, first smear Marmite on the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there through the summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5.      Dressing small children is not as easy as it looks. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.

6.      Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only Copydex and a piece of foil, make a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping-pong ball and an empty packet of Coco-pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations! You have just qualified for a place on the Playgroup Committee.

7.      Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a choc ice and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 20p piece. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family sized pack of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8.      Get ready to go out. Wait outside the loo for half an hour. Go out of the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the path. Walk back up it. Walk down again. Walk down the road for 5 minutes. Stop immediately to inspect every cigarette end and piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. Do it all again later. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9.      Always repeat everything you say at least 5 times. Always repeat everything…..

10.      Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat(s) eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not contemplate having children.

11.      Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swinging melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure a lot of it falls to the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.

Learn the names of every character from the Care Bears, Postman Pat and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing “I wanna be a Care Bear” at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

Oh my. . . . I would go nuts.

I was blessed with a perfect child,
in 30 years she has been about 2
seconds trouble, i think it was a tuesday
she's a math teacher now, great husband
emails her old papa almost every day


BHOFMX

I don't think I will be having any kids! 

That is the most accurate parent simulator I've ever seen!

Will