Flight Attendants & Pilots Announcements

There once was a captain who enjoyed pranks. As the legend goes, one day he found an unmarked white cane in the terminal. Digging through his bag of goodies, he donned a set of extra-thick gag glasses, and fumbled his way across the ramp to his parked aircraft. The passengers watched as he groped his way up the airstairs and into the main entry. "Hi, Marsha," he sang as he felt for the cockpit doorknob. Pausing, he looks back and forth over the heads of the startled passengers. Through the huge lens, his eyes are three times their normal size. "Say, Marsha, are we hauling people or passengers today?" The matronly attendant smiles graciously and replies softly, "umm... passengers, Sir."
Our hero raises his watch to within an inch to his glasses, and announces for all to hear, "Well then, we'd better start getting them aboard! It's nearly time to leave!"
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing please take them with our compliments.
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"We do feature a smoking section on this flight: if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the aeroplane.
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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face, If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
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"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately"
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.
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"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
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"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
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"Last one off the plane must clean it."
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came an the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt"
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Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.
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Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at XXXXXXXXX Airways.
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Very Good...Very Good

Cheers...Happy Landings....Doug

"Hey anybody lose a wallet???"

Will shut people up really quickly...trust me I've done it...

been posted before, but still funny