Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

A Government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and taramasalata; It's a double dip recession.

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as;
"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated and my wife has gone off to her mother's.